WTF America?

Awkward phone calls to foreign officials...

2012-02-15T11:05:00.005-05:00

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Turkish Foreign Minister Ahmet Davutoglu had a clear and unified message coming out of their meeting in Washington, D.C. Monday: They are looking for a political solution in Syria and won't consider putting international troops there unless the Syrian regime agrees.^[1]

I think it's wonderful that we're putting foreign opinion first when it comes to these sorts of things. It's a great idea to consider the opinion of the rest of the world. However, last I checked, the opinion of the LEADERS OF COUNTRY YOU ARE INVADING DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER - ESPECIALLY WHEN THE REASON YOU WOULD BE GOING IS TO REMOVE THOSE LEADERS.

Sorry about yelling, folks... I actually should feel better about this, as it is part of a long history of American political moves. I just looked this up on Wikipedia and found out about the awkward phone call between FDR and Hitler.

Transcript:

FDR: Hello? Adolf, is that you?

AH: YES! Who iz speaking?

FDR: Franklin D!

AH: Ah, yes, my old American friend, Mr. Roosevelt!

FDR: Yes, the very same one. Listen, man, it's really getting out of hand over there so we're going to have to send some bodies over and invade.

AH: Okay, okay, that is fine, please just avoid the camps as I spent a lot of money decorating them.

I imagine that the phone call in question was probably extremely awkward for both of them.

Researching some more led me to this gem:

GWB: Hey Sah-damn! It's me, George Junior! You couldn't kill my daddy, so now we're coming to get you!

SH: No thanks. We don't like having American pig dog soldiers on our soil!

GWB: Please?

SH: No.

GWB: Pleaaaaase?

SH: Oh, fine, but only if you promise to stop calling me!

GWB: IT'S ON NOW, SAH-DAMN!

1. Source

2012-02-06T15:20:00.003-05:00

A Macy's catalogue sent to customers in the mail shows a wedding cake with two groom figurines on top, mynorthwest.com reported Tuesday. The cake is stuffed in the back of an automobile with a license plate that reads "I do."

The image was reportedly part of an advertisement seeking to convince people to join Macy's Star Rewards Program and does not appear in an online version of the company's catalogue.

A group affiliated with the American Family Association is now calling on Macy's to pull the ad, calling the retailer's apparent support of gay marriage "an irresponsible choice" that is "highly offensive and not family-friendly advertising," according to the website.

"Just because gay marriage is legal in a few states does not mean this is appropriate marketing. As a conservative customer I will not support it," the group reportedly said.^[1]

They're NOT supporting gay marriage! They're simply MARKETING to gay couples who might interested in it. Marketing doesn't take a stance, it uses the image of something a customer might like to draw them in. They probably send out ones with a male and female as a cake topper, too. It's called MARKETING.

Now, that is not to say that they DON'T support gay marriage, as there is no evidence of whether they do or not. All we can tell from what happened is that they would like homosexual couples to shop at Macy's.

MARKETING IS NOT THE SAME THING AS SUPPORT.

The AFA seems to feel that everything that involves two men or women is homosexual recruiting - pure obsession on their part.

It should be noted that I found this on a Facebook group called "One Million Moms", which bills itself as "OneMillionMoms.com is a network of Christian moms who have joined together to stand up for our children and families". The way I see it, they only have 25 years to go before they meet their goal of a million moms! Good luck!

1. Fox News article

Butt-Fucking Wookies

2012-02-05T23:09:00.010-05:00

Or "Same Sex Relationships in Star Wars" and why the Family Research Council should collectively swallow a cyanide pill (and a load from my cock).

The Family Research Council (sometimes known as The Family Retard Coucil) is up in arms (short, stubby little ones like T-Rex: they are very useless) over the new BioWare game, "STAR WARS THE OLD REPUBLIC". I, too, am up in arms... Raving about how great it is! But, since that isn't what this blog is about (ever, for the most part), we'll not really discuss how great it is.

In a blog post on January 23rd, 2012, an FRC author wrote the following:

Rebel Fleet Surrenders to Gay Empire In a new Star Wars game, the biggest threat to the empire may be homosexual activists! Hello, I'm Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council in Washington, D.C. In a galaxy not so far far away, Star Wars gamers have already gone to the dark side. The new video game, Star Wars: The Old Republic, has added a special feature: gay relationships. Bioware, the company that developed the game, said it's launching a same-sex romance component to satisfy some complaints. That surprised a lot of gamers, since Bioware had made it clear in 2009 that "gay" and "lesbian" don't exist in the Star Wars universe. Since the announcement, homosexuals have been celebrating the news, but parents sure aren't. On the game's website, there are more than 300 pages of comments--a lot of them expressing anger that their kids will be exposed to this Star Warped way of thinking. You can join them by logging on and speaking up. It's time to show companies who the Force is really with! ^[1]

So, now we will dissect exactly how fucking stupid that post is/was... And believe me, it's stupid! I mean, I know that sounds out of the ordinary for a group that claims to hate homosexuals but spends their day-to-day lives obsessing over them, but trust me, this is above and beyond!

First off, we'll get the most obvious factual error out of the way:

This game is set in the Republic era, meaning that there is not "Rebel Fleet" surrendering to The Empire. During this era, THE SITH EMPIRE is, in fact, the rebellion. Now that I'm done with the nerd portion of this blog, on to the sheer stupidity and attempts to figure out JUST HOW INSANELY OBSESSED THEY ARE WITH TWO MEN (or women) HAVING SEX WITH ONE ANOTHER!

DUN DUN DUN.

For an organization that CLAIMS to be all about "family values", they certainly dropped the ball here. As of January 23rd, the game was out for one month and three days, and it just now became a blip on their radar. This blip, of course, was caused by the fact that the developer, BioWare, announced that one Twi'Lek male might be able to bend another one over the counter soon and have his way with him (some people might be turned on by this - I am not one of them - give me Wookies any day!).^[2]

Before BioWare announced the possibility of homosexual relationships in their game, FRC did not give ONE FUCK (or shit or damn) about this game. Trust me, I know this to be fact, as a search on their site for the phrase, "Star Wars", only returns this one article and another from April 21st, which has to do with human cloning. So, as we can see, BioWare's interest in trying to make the game more inclusive for people is the one thing that bothers them.

And why shouldn't it be? We all know that to people like that, homosexuality is an abomination against "God" and nature. I don't agree with it, but we know that is how they feel. Which brings me to my points:

Last I checked, extra-marital and pre-marital sex are also again "family values". And guess what, folks? I've played this awesome game (as I said in the intro) and it is RIFE with scenes of my smuggler walking off the screen with a random female (often times not even of his species - TRUE INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIPS). Did that bother them? Where were they when the game came out December 20th? Polishing their jackboots? Too busy just hating on gays while pretending to be for "family values"?

Well, as you can imagine, I'm not finished yet. Nope, not even close! This game contained, in the first 10 levels of the smuggler class: two scenes where I was given the option to execute somebody, a scene where I could steal medical supplies from war-torn refugees, a quest where I could lie to a mother about what happened to her son and a hots of other things that would typically be considered "morally wrong" by these people. And with all of that, they were still NOWHERE to be found!

Oh, I'm not finished yet! The Sith Warrior class has a female companion that comes with a shock collar. You can torture her to "put her in her place" or all sorts of other creepy things. But hey, that's okay, right? After all, "family values" is all about keeping a woman in her place, right?

Yeah, the FRC is ALL ABOUT family values, if "family values" was defined by Webster^[3] himself as, "hating homosexual people and everything they do".

On a related note, it's high-time we started accepting those Wookies that were born with rainbow coats. They exist, and we cannot continue to rake over them (or mouse over, since this is in the internet) and pretend that they don't exist. Chewbacca loved men and that is the end of it.^[4]

1. Original article
2. Let's be honest, it'll probably end up that 80% of homosexual happenings in Star Wars is little Tommy in his mom's basement trying to make sure his hot Chiss babe makes out with some other hot Chiss babe.
3. And I don't mean the show starring little person actor Emmanuel Lewis!
4. It's a little-known fact that this is why he ended up in Imperial hands where he met his life-mate, Han Solo. It is also a little-known fact that The Galactic Empire was started by Darth Sideous, whose given name was James Dobson.

The American Academy of Pediatrics STRIKES AGAIN!

2011-08-29T22:57:00.006-04:00

Long ago, the assholes at the AAP suggested that we "redesign" hotdogs, because they were too dangerous for kids.

And now, they've moved on to banning youth boxing. Now, don't get me wrong, clearly two kids punching the fuck out of each other for sport isn't the safest thing to do, and definitely not the something I would recommend. So, while I agree with their point, I have to disagree with how they got to it.

"There's no reason why we as pediatricians should be condoning such a thing, when we know that the risk is not zero for these kids, and perhaps the damage may be more long lasting," says Claire LeBlanc, M.D.,[1]

Guess what else isn't zero risk, Sherlock LeBlanc? ALL OTHER SPORTS... And walking down the street! And waking up in the morning! And eating hot dogs!

In 2003, for instance, there were roughly 14 boxing-related hospital visits for every 1,000 people between the ages of 12 and 34 who participate in the sport, according to data from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.

14 for every 1000 - 1.4% - hardly sounds like a problem to me. In fact, 1.4% sounds downright low in a sport where the idea is to pulverize your opponent's face to the point that they look like my hideous ex-girlfriend.

1.4% sounded low, by the way, because it IS low. I researched this and found that 17,500,000 American children play soccer. Of that amount, over 265,000 of them get injured every year. If you do the math - and I trust that you can do it because you're not a complete idiot - you will find out that soccer amounts to about 15 injuries per 1000 kids playing it (1.5%).

Oh, look at that, soccer is more dangerous to kids than boxing!

The main concern is serious head injuries among kids and teens. Young boxers have been known to suffer concussions, just like the pros, but the data on head injuries is scarce, LeBlanc says.

So what they are saying is that first off, boxing is horrible because it has head injuries that other sports don't have, and seconld,y that they don't even have any actual data on the head injuries. Okay, so it seems like they just made this up then? Their data is scarce, yet they claim there is a big concern over them. Oh, guess what, 6.6% of soccer injuries apparently involve the head (while 28% involve the neck!) - numbers which aren't scarce and actually sound quite bad.

I can tell you from personal experience how dangerous soccer injuries can be. In my lifetime, I've known at least two people who were severely injured playing soccer. In fifth grade, my teacher's boyfriend - a goalie - was struck in the temple with a soccer ball. The injury from this caused him to go into a coma. Eventually, the man recovered, but was stuck in a wheelchair likely for the rest of his life.

Secondly, I knew a girl who shattered her leg bone on another girl's leg bone. She needed staples and pins to fix it.

I'm sure others have stories like this, too. And I'm sure others have boxing stories as well. But none of that is important in the end, because the numbers themselves don't lie:

Boxing, while not the best idea for kids, seems to be no more or less dangerous than any other sport.

1. CNN article

Change.org wants to force me to gay marry my straight male roommate!

2011-08-08T11:00:00.008-04:00

Conservatives LOVE to talk about "the homosexual agenda", and I like to reply to their claims by saying, "you're all morons". However, there are things recently that are going to make it much harder to claim such... For instance, this, a petition on Change.org:

We are not asking that Sesame Street do anything crude or disrespectful. Only that they allow Bert & Ernie to marry^[1]

That's sweet and all, but they are ignoring the fact that BERT & ERNIE ARE NOT GAY. The creators have been stating for years that they are NOT gay! In fact, there are NO couples on Sesame Street, gay OR straight... Period!

By steadfastly suggesting that these two muppets ARE gay (despite the fact that their creators have stated otherwise), they are suggesting that two men cannot live together and be straight. By demanding that they get married, they are demanding that two straight men get married. How is this doing ANYTHING REMOTELY GOOD for gay rights?

OH RIGHT, IT'S FUCKING NOT. Instead, it's taking the whole thing back. Some anti-gay crusaders LOVE to say that homosexuals "recruit" straight people into their lifestyle, while others claim they want to push EVERYBODY into their "deviant behavior" and "force people to gay marry". Normally, I'd say "You're a bunch of fucking idiots, because nobody feels that way."

But now? Well, now I can't do that anymore, because, guess what, over 660 people apparently ACTUALLY FEEL THAT WAY!^[2]

I have a male roommate, and despite what Change.org would suggest, and to quote Jay (of Jay & Silent Bob), "We ain't gay". And despite what Change.org might demand, we're not getting gay married.

Change.org, please stop. Just stop the madness. This is the second time I've felt the need to talk about how fucking stupid you are. Just do us all a favor and end your miserable existence. Please?

1. Change.org Petition
2. As of writing this, 669 people have signed the petition to force two straight men to get gay-married.

X-Box: THE SILENT KILLER!

2011-08-03T10:58:00.007-04:00

The family of a budding computer programmer have on Saturday launched a campaign to raise awareness about the health risks of playing online computer games after their son died following a marathon session on his Xbox.

A post-mortem revealed that 20-year-old Chris Staniforth -- who was offered a place to study Game Design at Leicester University -- was killed by a pulmonary embolism, which can occur if someone sits in the same position for several hours.^[1]

A terrible tragedy. The poor ~~kid~~ adult.

Professor Brian Colvin -- an expert on blood-related conditions -- said it was "unhealthy" for youngsters to spend long periods in front of their consoles.

You don't say!

I wonder when we needed a professor to start telling us these things? Was it about the time that Generation X needed the government to do everything for them? Likely!

"There's anxiety about obesity and children not doing anything other than looking at computer screens," he told The Sun.

Easy way to solve this problem: BE A PARENT. Oh my gosh, I know this is a relatively new idea and it's a bit revolutionary, but as a parent you can TELL YOUR CHILD WHAT TO DO. Parents have the ability to PARENT and control their child's activities in their own home. If playing X-Box might present a danger because they do it too much, maybe the parent could just TAKE THE X-BOX AWAY!^[2]

And, finally:
A coroner's court in Sheffield was told how the youngster -- who had no underlying medical conditions -- was complaining of a low heart rate before collapsing outside a Jobcentre.

He wasn't a youngster, he was 20 - an age where he should've fucking known better.

Holy fuck do we baby people or what?

1. Yahoo article
2. No, wait, the kid would cry... You know, like when you tell them that they can't have a Happy Meal! The only real solution is to BAN EVERYTHING!

Obsession.

2011-07-20T19:49:00.005-04:00

A few years ago, near the humble beginnings of this blog, I wrote an entry about a website called "Punkrockers.com". In it, I explained why I thought the website (and its owner) are a big fucking joke. I made my point through the entry, and endured some e-mail harassment at the hand's of the site's owner (Steve Belmonte). I eventually took the entry down (after receiving some positive feedback) as it no longer served any purpose. At the time, I had hoped that enough time had gone by that maybe Steve Belmonte (the site's owner and operator) would simply leave me alone. However, I was wrong!

While I have no interest in Mr. Belmonte or his website, and have tried my best to move on and forget about his idiocy, he cannot do that. He has constantly brought me up on his forums, both in public and in private to other users, and he also e-mails from time to time just to remind me that he doesn't like me. Most recently, he banned another user from my home state on the off-chance that it might be me, then e-mailed his ridiculous accusations to me.

Clearly, this man is obsessed with me. This is out and out obsession - pure, un-adultered obsession. It's not funny, and it's rather sad... Why a 40-something with a wife and a child continues to harass me, I'm not sure. However, one thing is clear: I can never be free of him. And, on that note, I'm putting the old entry back up.

So, here it is: ORIGINAL ENTRY

A wretched hive of scum and idiocy.

2011-07-07T10:56:00.006-04:00

"A wretched hive of scum and idiocy", Obi-Wan said.

Okay, so I changed the last word, but it applies in this case. I write, of course, of Change.org, the liberal bastion of "progressive thought". I write "progressive thought" in those quotation marks because the progress is often laughable and not progressive at all.

Change.org bills itself as a website that champions progressive causes. Throughout the website you can find articles about various causes and usually they are accompanied by a petition of some sort. Just perusing a list of various petitions made me want to paint the wall red and brains with my Mossberg. Sure, there were some really good causes, but they were overwhelmingly outweighed by the sheer annoyance, stupidity or short-sighted ones.

Rather than have you waste your time perusing the site and getting a migraine, I'm going to list a few examples so you can all understand what I'm talking about:

Sign My Petition to make the State of Arizona liable for damages to Valley Fever sufferer's

Hi, and Thanks for taking time to Help me bring Awarness to the Arizona's Hidden Secret of a biohazard that is in there soil. it is coccidiosis "Valley Fever " This Biohazard is next too anthrax in the goverments list of biohazard and its in the soil of Arizona. and any one can get it, Just from Breathing the air, this is a fungas that gives you a dibilitating illness that can kill you and has taken many live's . and there is no cure , But Arizona refuses to let visitors and make Public announcement to visitors who visit or come to live in there state , I picked this awful illness up visiting there and it has been life changing, I can no longer function and do everyday task as before. I have to take killing meds that are killing me as well as being very exspensive with blood work every month. and c t scans every three month's they need to be held accountable...

Here we have a guy that wants to blame a state government for an illness he contracted from a thing that occurs naturally in the environment. Sure, and if I get Lyme's disease, I'm suing the state of Maryland. Hell, shark victims? Blame the state you're swimming in! Catch the plague (like some people have!)? Blame the state you caught it in!

Hell, if you get a cold, that's because the state hasn't done enough to eliminate common cold germs, so we'll make them pay for our NyQuil!

Change the name "South China Sea" to "Southeast Asia Sea"

This hardly needs explanation, so I didn't include the text. However... W...T...F? Really? This is a thing? Something that someone really cares about? Enough that it got 50,000+ signatures? Where the fuck is the petition to rename the Indian Ocean? Hmm???

Tell Trader Joe's To Stop Wasting Food!

Every year in America we throw away 96 billion pounds of food. That's 263 million pounds a day.

11 million pounds an hour. 3,000 pounds a second.

This is something that we can change in our lifetime. We imagine a world of empty dumpsters, good food in full bellies, and regular people leading sustainable lives. Send a message to the grocery stores and tell them that you care about the environment, food waste, and hungry people--and they should too!

Liberals and progressives are also supposed to tell Trader Joe's to stop wasting food. At first glance it is a noble cause... But then I have to ask, why Trader Joe's? Why not any other store? All grocery stores waste food, but yet they're only concerned about Trader Joe's? I don't get it.

Oh, right, yes I do... It's so they can shop guilt-free. Progressives LOVE stores like TJ's and Whole Foods! If those stores are doing "bad" things, then it has to be stopped so they can shop guilt-free and feel snobby and smug about their lives. If they really cared instead of pretending to care, this would be a petition to ALL grocery stores.

Which leads me to something else progressives like to buy...

Subarus!

http://www.change.org/petitions/subaru-stop-selling-cars-where-women-cant-drive>Subaru: Stop Selling Cars Where Women Can't Drive

Dear Subaru

We are leading Saudi Women’s rights activists and we write this open letter to you as a company that has made a name for itself among women drivers and which has built up a progressive brand image.

Subaru sponsors women’s surf festivals, the U.S. Women’s Triathlon Series, “Subaru Women’s Week” packages for skiers and even the Outstanding Woman in Science Award for the Geological Society of America.

But while Subaru is marketed heavily at women, your company is simultaneously making millions selling cars in the only country on earth where women aren't allowed to drive – much less ride a bike or go surf, run a triathlon, or ski on their own.

Ah, yes, the Subaru, one of the favorite cars of ultra-liberal middle-class folks! Of course they have to fix this, or they won't be able to make their car payments without feeling guilty! Nevermind that other car companies also sell cars in this market... They aren't the favorite brand of the target audience of Change.org!

And this leads me to one more thing that hip young liberals love and feel the need to buy guilt-free:

IKEA FURNITURE!

Tell IKEA to Respect its Workers!

Well, that one speaks for itself. I'm not going to include the text of it at all, suffice to say that you understand what the petition is about. Again, why stop at just Ikea? Why not Walmart? Target? Any other company that needs to respect its workers? And again the answer is: This is a thing progressives use - they need to feel guilt-free.

Finally, who could refuse a heart-warming petition like this:

Tell Chase Bank: Don't Foreclose on Soldier's Family

20 year-old Aaron Collette is currently serving in Iraq and looking forward to seeing his family. He's been in the Army for a year and half, and recently survived an IED explosion next to his squad. Aaron could vacation anywhere in the world, but he simply wants to come home to Oregon and see his family.

Unfortunately, Aaron might not have a home to return to. His family will be kicked out of their home later this month.

JPMorgan Chase is foreclosing on Tim Collete's home in Bend, Oregon on June 20th. Tim has asked the bank to hold on foreclosure proceedings until his son, Aaron, is able to return from Iraq for his two weeks of leave time. But so far, they've refused.

Why are they so focused on this one guy? People are losing their homes all over the country, and they're focused on helping this one young white guy because he's in the military or what? Other military families have lost everything. This is just a fucking heart-warming, feel-good thing to do. It's all about being smug, just like almost everything else they do.

Enjoy your smug, Change.org, it's more stifling than the smog in L.A.!

Change.org: First world problems galore!

Friday I'm In Love: One Man's Mental Devolution Into Madness

2011-05-01T09:16:00.005-04:00

We've all heard it before, the cute, catchy song by The Cure, "Friday I'm In Love."

At base level, it's just a cute song about a guy that obviously is in love with a woman and he simply hates the work week so much that he can't wait until Friday, when he can spend more time with her. As far as sappy love songs go, this one's pretty decent, I'd say. But is that really what this song's all about?

I propose a different view: One much more sinister.

I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday I'm in love

He's obviously having a bad start to the week here. Monday is blue and Tuesday and Wednesday are even worse, apparently. By Thursday, this poor guy's really just given up on the week. But wait, what's that? Here comes Friiiiday! Things are so much better now.

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love

Why is Monday falling apart? What's going on with Monday? On Tuesday and Wednesday, his heart is breaking, and the pain is so unbearable that he sleeps through Thursday it seems. But hey, Friday comes along again and he gets smashed at the local bar and everything's okay.

So here comes the kicker: He doesn't actually have a lover. Why do I feel this way? The odd bridge section:

Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff

She's a ghost. SHE'S FUCKING DEAD AND SHE'S A GHOST.

She's spinning round and round and he watches her eat in the middle of the night? This is the kinda stuff people report when it comes to their house being haunted!

So there you have it, his girlfriend's dead, and so now it all makes more sense. Monday is always bad because he can't party all weekend and take his mind off of it. He's probably stuck at work doing mindless tasks and he likely has a picture on his desk of his deceased lover. By Tuesday, he's a head case, and by Wednesday things are even a little worse. By Thursday, the poor guy has pretty much given up on life, and he'd probably kill himself if Friday didn't come along and start his weekend of partying and forgetting about how much his life fucking sucks.

The loss of his girlfriend - AND SUBSEQUENT HAUNTING BY HER SPIRIT - obviously took a great mental toll on the poor guy and the stress of it all is making his physical condition bad as well:

I don't care if Mondays black
Tuesday Wednesday heart attack
Thursday never looking back
It's Friday I'm in love

The guy had a heart attack part way into the week - ONE THAT LASTED TWO DAYS - and what did he do? By Thursday he forgot about it... He's not even bothering to look back. Did he go to the emergency room? Nope, he just had a heart attack and ran with it for two days. The attack eventually stopped, and when it did, he just didn't give a fuck. And what did he do Friday? Partied again, like always.

Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday Wednesday stay in bed
Or Thursday watch the walls instead
It's Friday I'm in love

The last verse seems to be the saddest of them all, and the most telling of what happened to this guy. We already know the stress gave him a heart attack, but now it's worse. After having a heart attack, he ignored the signs of a serious problem and then continued to party all weekend. It seems like Monday something happened with his brain - maybe a stroke or an aneurysm - which caused him to spend two days in bed. The man didn't really recover from whatever happened to him on Monday, and so subsequently on Thursday, when he is conscious again, he spends the day staring at walls, lifeless, like so any stroke patients often do.

And Friday? He's just imagining the partying now. He can't really do it because he can't even move his body.

This is a terrible song now that I think about it... It's not cute at all!

1. Lyrics

Food fascism.

2011-04-12T21:56:00.006-04:00

Just when you thought it was safe to send your kid to school... Okay, you didn't really think that.

Just when you thought it was safe to pack a lunch for your kid to eat at school, the nutrition Nazis rear their ugly, emaciated heads, charging you with crimes against humanity. And why? All because you packed your child a bag of Lays potato chips!^[1]

At [cut] Little Village Academy on Chicago's West Side, students are not allowed to pack lunches from home. Unless they have a medical excuse, they must eat the food served in the cafeteria.^[2]

And why? Oh, because if you let parents pack lunches, etc, they might give them bad things, like potato chips and sugary snacks! Oh, the horror... Parents making their own decisions on what a child eats!

[Principal Elsa] Carmona said she created the policy six years ago after watching students bring "bottles of soda and flaming hot chips" on field trips for their lunch. Although she would not name any other schools that employ such practices, she said it was fairly common.

Flaming hot chips and a bottle of Pepsi? Call the fucking CPS (child protective services, not Chicago Public Schools^[2]), folks, because we have a horrible emergency on our hands! Children aren't eating what a ~~nutrition expert~~, er... ~~Principal~~, uhm... Bloated, over-paid bureaucratic "teacher" thinks they should be eating!

Gosh, it's almost like PARENTS, like any other member of society, are capable of making their own choices and sometimes make choices that other people don't agree with. Who the fuck gave them free will and reign over their child's well-being?

Oh, right, NATURE and the fucking United States Constitution!

But maybe it's not such a bad thing, friends! Some parents actually think this is a great idea:

But parent Miguel Medina said he thinks the "no home lunch policy" is a good one. "The school food is very healthy," he said, "and when they bring the food from home, there is no control over the food."

There is no control over the food. Yep, that's right, there isn't... Except for, y'know, THE FUCKING PARENT AT HOME THAT HAS ALL OF THE CONTROL AND BUYS THE FOOD AND PACKS THE LUNCH!

Someone find that idiot and send him the paragraph preceding his quote - the thing about free will and reign over their own child and shit!

Not to worry, though, some schools in Chicago haven't become the Sustenance Secret Police yet:

At Claremont Academy Elementary School on the South Side, officials allow packed lunches but confiscate any snacks loaded with sugar or salt.

Unholy-fucking-shit. Unfuckingbelievable. WHERE DO THESE PEOPLE COME FROM? Sure, kids should eat better things, but fuck, it should be up to their parents what they eat!

Last time I checked, school was REQUIRED BY LAW - if you fail to send your child to school, you can go to jail. Being that school is 6+ hours long, kids need to eat, of course... So you should send them with food. But no, they'll take care of that. Oh, but what's this? They don't take care of it? NO, they just MAKE your kid eat their food - at the cost of $2.25 a day! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?

And then they have the nerve to give religious objections. Religion is a fucking choice. A CHOICE. A PERSONAL. CHOICE. If the choice of a student's parents makes it so that they don't have to eat the school's food because of RELIGION, why can't EVERY parent make such a choice for other reasons?

Surprisingly, even though photos depict kids in uniforms at this very school, they're not forced to wear brown shirts. But I'm sure that's the next step... Along with crushed-up Ritalin in the milk!^[4]

And for a parting shot, I leave you with this quote from the Dead Kennedys' "We've Got An Even Bigger Problem Now":

It's the salt-dietary fiber secret police! They have come for your obese niece!^[5]

1. This blog paid for by Lays. You can't eat just one.
2. Link
3. Actually, go ahead and call them, and tell the how fucking ridiculous this whole thing is.
4. After all, once they find out that the sugary snacks aren't the culprit of the kids acting up, they're going to need a better way to sedate them!
5. Okay, so that's not how it went, but it makes sense in this context?

Crisis Averted.

2011-04-04T21:49:00.008-04:00

Gainesville Police arrested former standout Gator wide receiver Louis Morris Murphy Jr. early Sunday morning

Another dangerous criminal has been scooped up from the mean streets of America and faces possible long-term incarceration. Thanks to the wonderful men and women in blue, we can sleep safely tonight.

Harrison said Murphy consented to a search of his vehicle, where officers found a “non-labeled prescription bottle containing 11 individual pills later identified as Viagra.” Murphy could not provide a prescription for it and allegedly told the officer that he had peeled the label off of the bottle “because he did not want his girlfriend to know he had a prescription for it.”

Oh, dear, even better. This man was a vicious drug fiend, popping pill after pill to make sure he could make love to many beautiful women over the course of the night. Between this Viagra and his football money, there's no chance he wasn't getting lucky tonight. But now that's all stopped, thanks to the police.

And why shouldn't they stop his activities? It's not likely any of them are as lucky as him. Why not abuse their power due to their own green-eyed feelings? This man was a dangerous criminal: an obvious drug addict.

Sure, maybe you, valiant readers, will attempt to argue that his crime is a victimless one, but I will counter! I will counter your argument, yes. The luckier he gets with women, the more his testosterone will go up, and the more it goes up, perhaps the better his football game improves! And if that happens, then every team that is NOT the Oakland Raiders will be in trouble! The police are just looking after their own interest here, as Dolphins or Buccaneer fans.

So, you see, these cops had every reason to arrest this man, after all:

Gainesville Police Officer Thomas Harrison said he spotted Murphy's Cadillac Escalade at 100 SW First St., with the stereo playing loudly. Harrison said he told Murphy, 23, to pull over...

You see, his stereo was playing loudly, so why shouldn't he be stopped, refused an answer when asked why,^[2] arrested for no real reason, and then his vehicle searched? Loud stereos are a public nuisance, you know! And now, thanks to great detective work by Officer Harrison, another ~~young black guy~~ criminal is behind bars.

1. Article
2. Harrison flipped on his lights and ordered Murphy and the passengers to stop. Harrison said Murphy refused to present identification and demanded to know why Harrison stopped him.

I'm Still Here

2011-03-28T20:04:00.007-04:00

Okay, so I didn't quit Earth. Yeah, I know, most of you are probably sad about that (and you're not alone!). However, I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this: Some of you begged me not to. So, here I am... Still here... Still suffering through the masses of stupid people... Still suffering through the self-righteous procrastinators, the over-zealous nigglers, the drudges of religious nuttery, the masses of ignorance, the batshit conspiracy-theorists, and all of the other stupid people I love to loathe.

Jobs. Jobs, America... We all have them (except for the ~12% of us that don't), and most of us hate them (or something about them, anyway). This "most of us" includes me, folks! I don't hate my job, but I definitely have found something to hate about it.

Now, now, don't get me wrong! I have an EXTREMELY easy job which I feel I am probably over-compensated for when it comes to money - BUUUUT, that's just at base level. If I had to get paid what I'm really worth, I should be making a lot more, for I am a babysitter... Or perhaps, more accurately, a caretaker for the elderly and obsolescent.

You see, I work with this woman who, for all intents and purposes, should probably quit life. She doesn't seem very good at it, and she doesn't seem qualified to do much, other than answer the phones. And therein lies the problem... Today, I answered a phone. It's not the first time I've done something so brazenly careless, either! I answered the phone several times last week.

No big deal, right? Who the fuck cares if I answer the phone? Oh, nobody should, right, because it's awesome for someone to step up and help out when the fucking phone is ringing off the hook, but that is where you're wrong! You're all just part of the ignorant sheeple, folks! You see, answering the phone is a criminal act! The almighty PHONE ANSWERER is the only person that can answer the phone!

To prove her might to the rest of the office, she routinely walks through the office collecting all of the phones. It's so bad, I've considered calling one of those hoarder TV shows and bringing them by the office to see if we can get her help! But alas, I have not... Too much effort and I doubt she'd ever really change!

But hey, if she wants to answer the phone, that is fine by me and everybody else (except when it keeps ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing^[1]), because that's one less thing we all have to do. Except today, things were different... Today she collected the phone, and in all of her wrathful vengeance-induced idiocy, she decided to NOT answer them and just let them ring, blowing-potential clients and pissing off people who might've had legitimate questions. And why... WHY did she do this? Because me and another guy DARED to answer a phone and help somebody with a problem they had. When she wasn't even in the room.

She essentially went on strike from her one job because somebody else helped her with it when she wasn't even around. WTF is that?

Phones: Serious business.

1. Then it's like somebody is trying to unravel a big cable-knit sweater and somebody keeps knitting and knitting and knitting!

Quitting Earth.

2011-03-23T11:09:00.005-04:00

I'm attempting to quit Earth. I kinda love Earth and have grown quite fond of certain aspects of it over the last 30 years, but I believe it is best for everybody involved if I quit it. So here I am, attempting to quit Earth. I bet it's a lot like trying to quit smoking -I savor the cool refreshment and drug high that the oxygen-rich atmosphere brings me. But, like smoking, I can't stand the cancerous tar that comes along with it.

But why now? WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO QUIT EARTH NOW? So many bad things have already happened - you've even written about a lot of them - so WHY. THE FUCK. NOW?

Because even the SATs are completely dumbed down now - that's why!

Students who blew off studying for the SAT may have Snooki to thank when their acceptance letters arrive this spring.

n the March 12 college admissions exam, students were asked to write an essay about reality TV and the concept of authenticity, leaving nervous teens to wonder whether Lauren Conrad is as good of a source as Joseph Conrad.^[1]

Yes, the SATs asked students to write about FUCKING REALITY TELEVISION! Nevermind that if someone truly tries to succeed and use half of their brain power, they most certainly wouldn't be watching Jersey-Fucking-Shore to begin with! No, no, no, we need good, "cultural" questions, and nothing speaks as highly of America as reality fucking television does! That's the cornerstone of idiot America these days. Hell, it's as American as baseball (which isn't really even that popular anymore) or apple pie (which is really, really popular judging by waistlines - I KNOW THAT'S WHERE MINE CAME FROM)!

Maybe I'm wrong about this, maybe the article is vague. Maybe, just maybe, the LESS you know about the subject of reality television, the higher score you get. Oh, if only that were true. I can hope, I can hope. Can I hold out hope any longer? Well, fuck it, if the Libyan rebels haven't given up, why should I?

Because I'm probably going have my heart explode... Or at the very least, a fucking aneurysm.

So, that's it. For my health, I quit Earth. I can't fathom living in a world where the next generation of intellectuals got into the college of their choice because of their knowledge of Snooki!

1. AOL Weird News Article

No Girls Allowed!

2011-02-20T10:33:00.004-05:00

CNN recently ran a story about a male high-school wrestler who forfeited to a female high-school wrestler during a tournament. They then ran a follow-up story talking about the response to the story. Not surprisingly, it was overall sexist and stupid. And that's not the worst of it, THAT story's comments got even dumber - just when you thought it wasn't possible.

A little background:
I wrestled in high school. There were two girls on the team. Sometimes, I had to wrestle one of them because they were in a close weight class. It was easy to ignore that it was a girl and she had boobs and to simply... Wrestle. If you're there for the wrestling, even as a stupid horny teen, what can get in the way? I guess some people won't have the same self-control as I do, but I'm saying it's not impossible for everybody (as some people in the comments on the articles suggested).

At a state tournament, one of these girls was rejected by a male opponent, much like in this story. The guy forfeited, refusing to wrestle the girl, then complained about how unfair it was that he had to do that. The girl was crushed. She felt like she wasn't considered an equal, which she had up until that point. And the guy just kept complaining about how he hated having to forfeit... Well, that guy made a choice to not wrestle, just like the guy in the CNN story. What is there to complain about when you yourself made the choice?

I currently (well, not as much anymore) participate in a full-contact wargame, which also has women in it. Some of those ladies can kick my ass, and a lot of them can't. But they all still give it their all, and a lot of them can take just as much abuse as any man out there. But enough about the history and what I know and have done.

Now we must get on to the comments, because they are just "special":

"As a matter of conscience and my faith, I do not believe that it is appropriate for a boy to engage a girl in this manner," Joel Northrup said in a written statement, according to the Des Moines Register.^[1]

That is what the kid said. But I counter with, "But she wanted to do it." What's so wrong about engaging someone like that when it's WHAT THEY CAME FOR?

mike

Are you nuts? Any guy is going to really hurt any girl in the same weight class. Get real.And what if he touches her in the wrong spot. Pick another sport girls.

Not at all. I've seen girls hurt boys in wrestling.

linda

...

That said, I do not believe wrestling should be a co-ed sport. Not because girls are weaker, but because it increases the chances of innappropriate touching and opens the door for harassment complaints. I applaud this young man for standing up for his beliefs and say Good Job to his parents.

Linda, as dumb as she is, acts as if this girl DOESN'T KNOW THAT COMING INTO IT. My gosh, it's almost as if Linda thinks this Cassy chick DOESN'T KNOW THAT WRESTLING INVOLVES TWO PEOPLE TOUCHING EACH OTHER.

ShannonG
This really is unfair to both of these young people. Unfair to him to have to make a choice of forfeit and lose his chances at becoming a champion, and unfair to her that there is no girl's wrestling opportunities. Please don't judge either of these people or their families, you don't know them.^[2]

This is not unfair to anybody but Cassy, who didn't get to wrestle. If this stupid boy is too fucking scared to wrestle a girl - which he probably is - that's not unfair to him. It's his choice. She is the one who had no choice here, because it was out of her hands.

kathy

As a high school wrestling parent. The kid made the right choice! Both of my sons have faced off against female wrestlers. Wrestling is often a sport of spur of the moment decisions, and when a male wrestler has to stop and rethink his move because he is concerned that the move he was planning is inappropriate, it puts him at a disadvantage.

Oh gosh, it puts him at a disadvantage? Oh no. He might lose because of it. I wonder if "Kathy" realizes that FORFEITING puts him at a bigger disadvantage?

Kathy continues her dumb-as-fuck diatribe:

My question would be... Did the girl qualify for state based on previous forfeits to win her matches. I would like to see her qualifying stats!!! I'm sure she had more forfeits than actual wins!!!

This is pure conjecture. And, even if she did, a win is a win. She can't control that people didn't want to wrestle her. They get recorded for a loss, and she gets a win. But, you know, I've seen girls wrestle, and some of them do have more actual wins than forfeits. There was a girl wrestling for another high school in the tournament I mentioned up at the top. She actually came in second in the tournament. And she didn't get any forfeit wins. I'm sure Kathy would be shocked to know that!

Both articles have an endless supply of stupid and ignorant comments, often full of brash sexism. It's fun to read, but it kinda makes you want to strangle people if you do it for too long.

1. CNN original article
2. CNN follow-up article

Two for Tuesday!

2011-02-15T17:57:00.005-05:00

First, let us talk about South Dakota. After we're done that, we're going to talk about New Jersey. Then, after that, we'll get back to South Dakota! I know that sounds like three things, but it's actually just two... Trust me!

A bill in South Dakota:
FOR AN ACT ENTITLED, An Act to expand the definition of justifiable homicide to provide for the protection of certain unborn children.
BE IT ENACTED BY THE LEGISLATURE OF THE STATE OF SOUTH DAKOTA:
Section 1. That § 22-16-34 be amended to read as follows:
22-16-34. Homicide is justifiable if committed by any person while resisting any attempt to murder such person, or to harm the unborn child of such person in a manner and to a degree likely to result in the death of the unborn child, or to commit any felony upon him or her, or upon or in any dwelling house in which such person is.
Section 2. That § 22-16-35 be amended to read as follows:
22-16-35. Homicide is justifiable if committed by any person in the lawful defense of such person, or of his or her husband, wife, parent, child, master, mistress, or servant, or the unborn child of any such enumerated person, if there is reasonable ground to apprehend a design to commit a felony, or to do some great personal injury, and imminent danger of such design being accomplished.^[1]

Quite a few people have pointed out that the wording of this bill could excuse people from murdering abortion providers (i.e. doctors and anybody that works at the clinic). Whether or not that is the intention of the bill (which it is not, according to its author), that is how one could read it, especially when reading Section 1.

How fucking absurd. South Dakota is known for its harsh stance against abortion, but this is a bit ridiculous for them, even! ...and that's all I have to say about South Dakota. For now.

In New Jersey:

The parents of a woman who died during a polar bear club event in New Jersey filed a massive lawsuit blaming 19 people for her mysterious death.^[2]

Okay, that's not so stupid, right?

The body of Tracy Hottenstein, 35, of Conshohocken, Penn., was found floating in Sea Isle City bay in February 2009 during the weekend of the town's Polar Bear Plunge, when hundreds of swimmers take a dip in the icy Atlantic to raise money for charity.

Hottenstein didn't actually participate in the swim, but had come to the Jersey Shore party town to join the raucous festivities that surround the event.

Okay, now... She wasn't even there for the event, so how exactly are the event holders responsible for this, again?

According to a medical examiner's report, she died of hypothermia and acute alcohol intoxication.

And she died from drinking too much, which clearly has NOTHING to do with the event.

Now, her parents are holding just about everyone she came in contact with that weekend accountable for her death, including a couple who had her over for dinner the night she died.

Among those named in the lawsuit are:

Sea Isle City

The city's police department, as well as several officers

The hospital where she died

The doctor who pronounced her dead

The owners of the two bars she was at on the night she died

The Polar Bear organization

THE DOCTOR THE PRONOUNCED HER DEAD? He was just doing his job. The owners of the bar? Well, I'm pretty sure she was a grown ass fucking woman and made the choice to drink on her own.

Does this mean that when somebody is killed by a drunk driver, they can sue _insert car company name here_ for building the car? And the workers who put it together? And if the car had ever had its oil change, Jiffy Lube for helping to keep that car on the road? And fuck it, how about their state's government and the federal government for helping build roads? And the oil company that produced the gasoline that was in the car at the time! And the driver's family and all direct, living ancestors? I mean, fuck it, after all, if they hadn't had children (etc, etc), the driver wouldn't've been here to kill anybody!

Which brings me back to South Dakota...

Why would anybody stop at just killing the folks at the clinic? How about the electric company? Building owner? Company that built the building? The manufacturer of any computer or device used at the clinic? The phone company? The Mayor of the city it is in? They're all just as responsible for the abortion as the person who made the fucking choice to have one to begin with.

If you ask Tracy Hottenstein's parents anyway...

1. Link
2. Link

Where are the jobs?

2011-02-14T11:49:00.007-05:00

I keep hearing liberals ask "Where are the jobs" in relation to any bill proposed by members of the GOP. Yes, we all know that the GOP ran on a platform of creating new jobs, and they seem to have yet to do such a thing. But personally, I feel that most liberals are ignoring facts/missing the points on this one, so we're going to take a look at a few bills proposed by the GOP in the USHoR!

HR39
To delist the polar bear as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act of 1973.^[1]

This one should be obvious! This will lead to an immediate influx of tourists in Alaska. The long-term effects will be a lucrative polar bear-hunting industry (until they die out, of course). Oh, and let's not ignore that with the polar bear no longe protected the oil companies can do whatever the fuck they want, which will save them money... And everybody knows if a company makes more money they hire more people or something, right?!

HR2
To repeal the job-killing health care law and health care-related provisions in the Health Care and Education Reconciliation Act of 2010.^[2]

Hell, it's right there in the title on this one: THE HEALTH CARE BILL KILLS JOBS! If they repeal it, then more people will get sick and die. More death, of course leads to the country needing more people being hired to dig graves, burn bodies, keep the cemetery looking nice, and if they're qualified, run a morgue and maybe even embalm them. Funeral directors needed!

This is a win-win situation, folks... The population goes down, while the amount of people with jobs goes up. You can't beat that method of lowering the unemployment rate!

HR3
To prohibit taxpayer funded abortions and to provide for conscience protections, and for other purposes.^[3]

Like above, this will lead to a ton more jobs in the "death" industry. It will also lead to some jobs in the back-alley-abortion field (which will lead to death - hence the death industry bit), which will cause a need for more police. Oh, and don't forget that more to-term pregnancies means a higher need for doctors specializing in that field!

So, as we can see, if you use a "certain point of view" (like Obi-Wan Kenobi advised Luke Skywalker to do), you can see the good that the GOP is trying to do. They could do more, though, and I strongly and readily encourage them to do so.

So, what more can they do? Well, perhaps a bill to take away all safety features from cars would be a great start! The auto industry could use an influx of money from saving on costs.

Maybe someone could propose a bill where, if you show up to the hospital with life-threatening injuries, they simply refuse to treat you is in due course! Or another good one might be where the fire department arrives and lets a house burn to the ground before putting the fire out... That'd lead to more jobs in the home-building industry, too!

So, remember, the GOP, as a whole, is sticking to their promises... From a certain point of view.

1. HR39
2. HR2
3. HR3

I will spend money where I want, thank you.

2011-02-08T12:01:00.004-05:00

I can't do it anymore. I simply cannot keep track of what evil corporation is discriminating against what person this week or what evil thing they happen to be doing now. In the world of human rights and corporations, things change too fast to keep up with it. Today I might be vilified for eating a chicken sandwich, but in two weeks, I might be a hero.

This morning, Human Rights Campaign posted a list of gay-friendly (or non-gay-friendly) businesses. The list is broken down into categories, and then each place is scored 0-100 (100 being the most gay-friendly workplace). The list is what it is... A list. It doesn't really explain why any of these businesses are scored as they are, we are just given a number. Basically, the list tells us what to think and doesn't give us a chance to make up our own minds. I kinda hate being preached to like that... I like to have facts. Unfortunately, HRC isn't dealing in fact on this list, just their opinion.^[1]

Though, I'm not really concerned about that. What I'm concerned about are the confusing messages given. I'm sure anyone can remember that over the summer everybody and their mother (if their mother cared about gay rights, anyway) was boycotting Target because they donated to a Republican that was against gay rights. If you don't remember that, well, now you know.

Fast-forward to now... And... Target scores an 85... That's in the green. That means you should go there if you care about gay rights. But the funny thing is... I don't ever remember anybody saying "TARGET IS OKAY TO SHOP AT NOW! BOYCOTT'S OVER! THEY'RE SORRY!"

I don't remember that stuff because it didn't happen... But yet, suddenly, we should all go there if we care about equality!

And hey, who can forget the awful, skewed attacks on Chick-fil-A. You know the ones I'm talking about. I'm talking about the one that utilizes vague CFA ideals and skewed perspective of what was said/done just to fit its cause - which is what anti-gay people do with Bible quotes!

GUESS WHAT RESTAURANT ISN'T EVEN ON THE FUCKING LIST? Oh, it's... CHICK-FIL-A!

You'd think, if they're so horrible and all, they'd get on the list with a zero! But nope, not this list! No Chick-fil-A here!

So, yeah, I give up. I'm going to eat what I want, and if anybody thinks it's because I don't care about equality, they can go fuck themselves. I don't really care what they think. I care about equality, but there is simply not a consensus on who/what is evil, and if there is, it changes too fast to matter.

1. List

Bobby Franklin, I presume...

2011-02-04T19:45:00.005-05:00

I presume that Bobby Franklin is an idiot. Bobby Franklin is a state representative in Georgia. He hails from Georgia's 43rd district~~, and goes by "Bobby" instead of Robert because he is, in fact, seven years old~~.

I apologize for the faults in the title paragraph. I have sacked myself, as I was responsible.

Anyway, continuing...

Ah, yes, Bobby Franklin (the guy in the picture)^SPECIAL. This man is a Republican, and thus has introduced some bills that are typical of his party: More gun rights, outlawing abortion (defining it as "prenatal murder"), etc, etc. That stuff is all pretty par for the course. I wasn't shocked when I read any of those. But then, it happened...

I read Georgia's HB3. In HB3, Bobby Franklin proposes that the State of Georgia only utilize precious metals (bullets are excluded from this - damn!) to pay its debts, and only accept such things in payment of debts. So, if you owe some state taxes down there, you'd better toss your jewelry into an envelope and ship it off to the state house. Don't worry, as Mr. Franklin himself will be eagerly awaiting its arrival, and he will have a gold and silver smith on hand to determine the value of your pieces.^[1]

I didn't exactly stop there, though. Intrigued by HB3, I read on. I stopped again at HB7, because I just couldn't stop laughing. In HB7, Franklin informs the world that Americans have a right to travel, and thus driver's licenses are unconstitutional, just like vehicle registrations. People should just do what they want all of the time. I can't argue with the last part, but I mean, really? How can anybody ID anybody then? What if somebody dies? Who you gonna call?^[2]

This guy's like fucking Obi-Wan Kenobi and shit:

YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE HIS IDENTIFICATION!

In Franklin's world how can police track down hit and run suspects? Or the people responsible for a robbery? Or any other host of things... Oh, don't worry, the cops don't need to do that, because the police pretty much don't have to do their job at all. If you don't believe me, just check out HB9!

HB9:
A BILL to be entitled an Act to provide a short title; to make findings of fact; to amend Article 1 of Chapter 4 of Title 17 of the Official Code of Georgia Annotated, relating to general provisions relative to the arrest of persons, so as to provide that the use of forced entry in the execution of a search warrant is prohibited; to amend Article 2 of Chapter 5 of Title 17 of the Official Code of Georgia Annotated, relating to searches with warrants, so as to provide that the use of forced entry in the execution of a search warrant is prohibited; to provide for penalties; to provide an effective date; to repeal conflicting laws; and for other purposes. ^[3]

So, basically, in Franklinland, cops knock on your door... And knock again. And again. AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN... Basically, the cops just keep knocking on your door until you answer. Meanwhile, you can hide all of the evidence of whatever it is you might've been doing. Or, fuck it, you can simply not answer until they get bored and go away - eventually the local municipality is going to get tired of paying them so much in overtime and call them off... Right?

*knock knock* Who's there? The police. *silence* (REPEAT AD NAUSEUM)

But, I digress... Enough about knocking.

Ah, and finally, the one thing that sparked my entire interest in Bobby Franklin to begin with, the not-yet-titled HB14:

To amend Titles 16 and 17 of the Official Code of Georgia Annotated, relating to criminal law and criminal procedure, respectively, so as to change the term "victim" to the term "accuser" in the context of a number of statutes making reference to circumstances where there has not yet been a criminal conviction; to provide for related matters; to repeal conflicting laws; and for other purposes.^[4]

You can read that as a few times and get the idea in your head. It goes along with that whole "innocent until proven guilty" thing we have going, so it's a good one, right? Well, not so fast...

Check out statutes that it actually modifies:

(a) The victim person making an accusation of stalking or aggravated stalking...
(c) When evidence relating to an allegation of rape is collected in the course of a medical examination of the person who is the ~~victim~~ accuser of the alleged ~~crime~~ perpetrator...
(b) A person 17 years of age or over commits the offense of obscene telephone contact with a child if that person has telephone contact with an individual whom that person knows or should have known is a child...
(a) Whenever a law enforcement officer responds to an incident in which an act of family violence, as defined in Code Section 19-13-1, has been committed, the officer shall not base the decision of whether to arrest and charge a person on the specific consent of the ~~victim~~ accuser or on a request by the ~~crime~~ perpetrator...

So, as we can see, it only applies to rape, stalking, sexual harassment of a child, and domestic abuse. Is it no wonder this guy doesn't have a wife?

Oh, and in case you're wondering where he gets such crazy ideas, his page on the Georgia HoR website spells it out for you:

Representative Franklin has been called "the conscience of the Republican Caucus" because he believes that civil government should return to its biblically and constitutionally defined role.

1. I mean, it's bad enough that people want to go back to a gold standard... But this is just crazy. No, really, what is the point of a gold standard? People claim it's because dollars have nothing behind them. Well, what does gold have behind it? Shininess? Gold is only given a value if people think it has value - just like paper money. If you want to create a standard to back paper money, try oil or food - something we all need, for the most part.
2. The answer is only "Ghostbusters" if they die and keep hanging around.
3. HB 9
4. HB14
SPECIAL: His HoR site demanded I didn't use any pictures of him from it to insult or harass him - so I didn't. That's a cartoon of a devil or something. Right?

Of "Isms" and Over-Zealousness

2011-02-02T19:56:00.008-05:00

There is a woman named Mrs. Q. Now, she's not related to Maggie Q, and Mrs. Q isn't even her real name. However, for now, we only know her as Mrs. Q.

Mrs. Q is a fellow Blogspot blogger. She is a school teacher who spent a year eating the kinda things that the government feeds to the poorer kids in schools. The food was awful. If you don't believe me, feel free to check it out for yourself.

Who would expect it to be good, anyway? Most school lunches aren't very good! I can't imagine the ones fed to poorer kids would be better. All kids deserve better than the stuff that passes for "food" in most public schools. I think we all know that.

Mrs. Q knew that, too, and in case anybody else didn't, she chronicled it for us all in her blog. Unfortunately, some stupid people who are too obsessed with "isms" ran across her blog. These ugly, misinformed, stupid people went right to work, claiming Mrs. Q's blog to reek of "classism".

You see, because she insulted the food that the lower class ate, she was classist. Of course, that ignores the fact that the ENTIRE POINT OF HER BLOG was to DRAW ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT THESE KIDS DESERVE BETTER FOOD. But hey, let's not get caught up in facts and stuff...

Me, personally? I'm a classist. I think McDonalds is awful, and I think it's pure shit. And I know that some people don't really have access to anything else, and thus they have to eat it. But that's neither here nor there... The food just sucks. Do they deserve better? Fuck yes, they do. But, who cares about that? The important thing here is the "ism". I'm practicing pure-bred classism here, because I actually want access to better things for poorer people!

Can't beat that logic!

Or can you?

Oh, you can. You certainly can!

It's such a shame that people get caught up in "isms" and ignore the facts and reasons behind things. It's much easier to be insulted on behalf of someone else (or be insulted yourself) instead of considering the facts and reasons behind something. Mrs. Q doesn't hate poor people, and she doesn't think she's better than poor people. In fact, she wishes poor people were as lucky as her, and didn't have to eat the crap she chose to feed herself to eat for a year... The stuff they are forced to eat on a daily basis. The stuff they have no choice about.

It's NOT classist to want to help people less-fortunate than yourself.

So to all those that think Mrs. Q is a classist and accuse her blog of being "like a Whole Foods shopper judging the convenience foods purchased by people with less money":

Fuck you.

You're the kinda person that likely shops at Whole Foods... You yuppie, too-stupid-to-think, political-correctness-obsessed nobheads.^[1]

1. Political correctness is great, if you don't ignore fact and reason in the name of it.
2. CNN Article about this.

Mel Gibson is the greatest actor to ever live.

2011-01-31T13:23:00.008-05:00

They say that what makes an actor is the ability to stretch. Some actors (using the term to mean either gender here) can't stretch beyond playing something they are comfortable with - the thing that they are the most in real life. Mel Gibson, on the other hand encompasses, through his acting, everything that he is not.

So, let us take a look back at some of the major roles Gibson played through the years:

Mad Max - In Mad Max, Gibson plays Max, a policeman and family man. He cares about his job, but not that much. In fact, he pretty much gives up on his job because it becomes to dangerous. He runs off on a vacation with his family in hopes of having a happy life. This does not work out, as the bad guys find him and kill his wife and child. He ends up mercilessly slaughtering all of them in a severe case of revengeitis.
Lethal Weapon - In Lethal Weapon, Gibson plays Martin Riggs, a police officer whose wife was brutally murdered. Crushed by her death, he is suicidal. Having little left to live for makes him a loose canon and sometimes a better cop. In the second installment, Lethal Weapon 2, he meets another woman, sorta falls in love with her, only to have her be murdered by the man that killed his wife. In a fit of rage, he eventually brutally kills the man responsible (while in the line of duty, thankfully).
Hamlet - He plays Hamlet. Do I really have to tell you what this one is about?
Braveheart - In Braveheart, Gibson plays a fictionalized version of a real-life person who fought against English tyranny in Scotland. In the film, William Wallace's father and brother are killed by the English. William's uncle whisks him away to... All over Europe, educating him. Eventually, William becomes a man, moves back to the village of his youth, meets a woman and marries her. She is then killed by the English. In a fit of rage, Gibson kills just about everybody whose surname sounds even remotely English.
Ransom - In Ransom, Mel Gibson plays Tom Mullen, a millionaire whose child is kidnapped. He refuses to pay the ransom on his son, and wants so badly to hurt the people responsible. In the end, he gets his wish and is able to brutally beat the hell out of one of them.
The Patriot - Gibson portrays Benjamin Martin, a seemingly unassuming farmer just trying to take care of his kids in a world gone mad (The Revolutionary War in America). One of his sons is killed by British troops, and he decides to join the revolution and kill the shit out of anybody wearing red. Before the end of his movie, another of his sons, ~~The Joker~~ Gabriel Martin, is killed by the British commander. He seeks him out during on final battle, making sure to the kill the shit out of him and gloat about it.

So, there we have it - a good list of what were some of the biggest works of Gibson's career. As we can see, Gibson has spent his entire life playing men who are in love with their family and kill the shit out of anybody that fucks with them. He also has played a police officer several times.

On the other hand, in real life, Gibson was estranged from his father for years, left his wife (of many years) for a younger woman. He subsequently had a child with said woman and ended up leaving her. as well.. Only to yell ridiculously stupid and racist things at her over the phone. He's basically shitty to his family in real life; he doesn't seem to care about them at all. Oh, and let's not forget that he also semi-routinely finds himself in trouble with the authorities.

And why ignore the fact that in Lethal Weapon 2, he was fighting white supremacists from South Africa, when in real life, he most likely is one?

This man deserves an Oscar for being able to convincingly portray everything he isn't, time and time again.

At the very least, the guy should get a lifetime achievement award.

Animal rights activists.

2011-01-25T20:21:00.009-05:00

This is about animal rights ~~hypocrites~~ activists. What crazy thing did they do now? Threaten violence against the family of a restaurant owner. What was his crime? Wanting to serve lion tacos.

Yep, an Arizona restaurant - BOCA - was going to serve African lion tacos on February 16th, 2011, but now they're not. Why not? Because "activists" went to their Facebook page and threatened the owner's family and the restaurant's patrons. What was their beef with the whole thing?^[1]

Well, most seemed upset that lions were endangered.^[2] And while technically, they are correct, it doesn't really matter - BECAUSE THE MEAT WAS COMING FROM A FUCKING LION FARM in California.

Posters on CNN.com's article were no more astute at picking up on this EVEN THOUGH THE FIRST FUCKING LINK ON THE GODDAMN ARTICLE ABOUT HIM CANCELING THE EVENT LEADS TO THE ORIGINAL STORY... WHICH MENTIONS THIS FACT!^[3]

HELL... IN THE ORIGINAL STORY ABOUT HIM HAVING LION TACO NIGHT, TONS OF IDIOTS MISSED THE BIT ABOUT THE FARM!

It's reading, folks, it's fucking simple. Learn to read! ARTICLES are full of INFORMATION. The INFORMATION in the ARTICLES is often PERTINENT to the fucking headline you. Do you even know what a headline is? It's the only fucking thing most of America seems to read anymore!

Others read the story, but went on to explain how this guy doing such a thing encourages people to poach lions from the wild, and thus it was important to stop him from doing it.

Well, guess what, in World of Warcraft, I have a stack of fucking lion meat on one of my characters... You'd better start threatening violence against me, fascists! I'm encouraging people to kill wild lions and eat them. Mmm, those tasty, tasty lions...

Bring it on, animal rights ~~fascists~~ activists!

1. Or is it "what was their lion"?
2. Article about the cancellation
3. Original article

Fair weather fans. (Or why I live in BALTIMORE and am a BEARS fan)

2011-01-21T09:32:00.007-05:00

The Baltimore Ravens went 12-4 and made it to the playoffs in a a wildcard spot, then beat Kansas City in a divisional round. They had made it into the playoffs the previous year as well. Oh, and they also made it to the playoffs as the division winner two years before that. All of that is pretty great, considering the year before that (2007) they were 5-11.

In January 2008, The Ravens hired John Harbaugh as head coach. Soon after, he hired Cam Cameron as offensive coordinator, and later they picked up a young kid named Joe Flacco as their starting quarterback. Since then, they have collected a regular season record of 42-16. That's pretty good. Few teams can boast a record that good in three years.

But is it good enough for Ravens fans? Nope, because so many of them are fuckheads. Not all of them, mind you, but many of them. Do they know anything about sticking with their team? I don't know. I know some of them do, but many of them don't seem to be able to. On a list of things to "fix" (since things obviously need to be fixed after making it to the playoffs three years in a row), some fans wrote the following:

Fire Ozzie [Newsome], Cam [Cameron], [Greg] Mattison and [Joe] Flacco^[1]

And this is why I'm a Bears fan. Because those fans stick by their team through the good and the bad. Baltimore picked up a phenomenal young QB, a new coach and a new OC and turned 5 and 11 into 11 and 5. That's a pretty great difference. And then they took two more years and ran into the playoffs during those years, too. Only 12 teams out of 32 (slightly over 1/3) make it to the playoffs, so the fact that you can do it 3 years in a row is far beyond good, statistically. You didn't make it to the Superbowl or win won in a few years? Go cry about it. There are 32 teams, so if you win one Superbowl in 32 years, that's great. And guess what, you did! You won one about 10 years ago, when you were a relatively new team, still!

In Chicago, they had a young QB named Rex Grossman - he wasn't extraordinarily good or anything, but in two seasons, he won them some playoff games. He even made it to the Superbowl during the second one! He fumble the ball twice during it (like I hear some of you complainers saying Flacco did during the Steelers game). Did they fire him, or call for his head on a plate? No. Sure, he didn't win... But he made it there. He made a mistake. People make those. Did it cost them the game... Who can say? But to get rid of him the next year just because he didn't win it all would be preposterous. No, they waited one more season, when they sank down to 7-9 to replace him with Kyle Orton (who had helped get them to the playoffs as well). That didn't work out very well either, and they finally found Jay Cutler, who once again brought them to the playoffs. That's why I'm a Bears fan - because their fans love them, win or lose. So many Ravens fans throw in the towel when they don't win it all. Not all of you, but more than I can stand.

The point here is this: You don't fix a winning formula. There is obviously room for improvement. However, it's not in any of the names given, as you've been doing better since getting them.

Joe Flacco is still winning a metric fuckton of games and taking the Ravens places.^[3] Cam Cameron is obviously an important part of it. Stick by them, because if you don't have faith in them and the fans whine enough, that could make them either no longer care, or lose faith in themselves. And who wants to be the face of a team (which inevitably a QB can be^[2]) if nobody wants them there anymore? I can't imagine anyone would play well with that pressure.

So, to all of the whiners: Go fuck yourselves. To all of the real Baltimore fans, who realize you can't win it all every year and that a winning formula is a good thing to stick with: Better luck next year.

Go Bears!

1. Source
2. Though I know, for the most part, you guys have massive boners for Ray Lewis!
3. Like to Pittsburgh.

Fuck their lives. All of these idiots.

2011-01-14T09:38:00.006-05:00

From FMYLIFE.COM, we have a winner:

Today, my daughter was expelled from her school for beating another kindergartener with a Dr. Seuss book. FML^[1]

That's all fine and dandy, as that is typically what kids that age do, as they are too young to know any better most of the time. I'm not saying that it's okay for them to slug the shit out of each other and break each other's noses, etc, etc, just that hitting someone with a book (especially a Dr. Seuss book - it'd be like open-palm slapping someone) isn't a huge deal.

But I guess I'm just a fucking idiot or something and don't understand children, because tons of other people - ones who have likely not had kids either - know better than I do!

What are you teaching your child? It sounds like she has been exposed to a lot of violence!

Perhaps, instead, it's simply because the child is five.^[2]

What a violent little child you have on your hands. Hahaha. How exactly are you raising your child? Or is it because you're not raising her that she's so...expressive and undisciplined?

Or, again, she's just, I dunno... Five?

Oh wow your daigher is violent!!
::///

I think the person who wrote that is also five, based on their horrid spelling.

OP's daughter might have older siblings that are teaching the violence not the parent... just saying. Ha and your daughter is a badass lol reminds me of myself a little bit...

OR NOBODY AT ALL TAUGHT HER VIOLENCE, IT'S JUST HOW KIDS SOMETIMES EXPRESS THEMSELVES BECAUSE THEY DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANY BETTER.

Jesus, I'm sure glad the fucking FML Psychiatrist Association exists to psychoanalyze every fucking FML and explain the behavior of the person in question (see: Girls are touchy about their weight). Without them, we'd never know that some children will ogrow up to be serial killers... All because they were allowed to smack somebody with a copy of "Horton Hears a Who." I'm glad these folks are here to put a stop to it and save this precious little girl!

1. Original post.
2. I say five, but I really don't know. Five is the median age for kids in kindergarten though, so it sounds like a fair assertion.

Peter King to introduce common sense gun control measure.

2011-01-13T10:18:00.004-05:00

Rep. Peter King, a Republican from New York, is planning to introduce legislation that would make it illegal to bring a gun within 1,000 feet of a government official, according to a person familiar with the congressman's intentions.^[1]

Well, golly gee, it's about time. People need to be controlled when it comes to guns. This law is a great proactive measure to keep government officials safe. Anybody - especially someone plotting to kill a congresswoman - will think twice if this law goes into effect.

I can only imagine what would've gone through Jared Lee Loughner's head if this had already been a law:

"Well, I really want to murder the congresswoman, but I guess the law is the law, and I don't want to break the law. Maybe I could get use a scoped rifle?"

Yeah, that's exactly how it would've gone.

1. Source

Race.

2011-01-11T16:21:00.004-05:00

Today, I made the mistake of involving myself in a conversation about racism in society. I say that it was a mistake because the person in question was a textbook racist idiot... The kind that doesn't realize he is one, either.

"The past truly is the past. Slavery is over and, I feel, that the Black people should get over it. I'm tired of people trying to make me feel as if I'm the one who used the whip on someone who wasn't even their ancestor."

What? Yeah, it's over. It has been for awhile, but I mean, holy shit, way to ignore the rest of history since then!

And as for making him feel bad? I seriously doubt that. I have yet to actually meet any person of any color that has tried to make me feel bad for being white. That's just an absurd story. The rest of his nonsense involves the whole "AFFIRMATIVE ACTION! I'VE BEEN DISCRIMINATED AGAINST BECAUSE OF IT!"

Well, maybe he has, maybe he hasn't. Who is he to say who is more qualified? I think the management knows that better than he does. We all like to think that we are the most qualified for a position, but truth is, we're not always. Maybe the person that was given a job/promotion was actually just more qualified. Maybe he only thinks they weren't because he's stuck in this little zone of playing the victim of racism.

Not to mention, he's just fucking crazy, anyway. Literally. Crazy. As in "What in the fuck are you talking about" kinda crazy.

I made a point about how he has the advantage of being white and having most authority figures look like him, and he actually said:

"Though I have to argue your belief that they are the minority. Statistics prove that there are fewer Caucasians in this country... than Blacks, Africans, Indians (Middle Eastern, that is) and Hispanics."

I would love to find a place where racial minorities make up an EVEN RATIO (to their percentage of the population as a whole) when it comes to positions of authority (police, politicians, fire department, hospital staff, government employees).

"Black people have more than flourished in this country. Being granted access to things that women had to fight longer to gain... things such as certain jobs, welfare and other occasionally undeserved things."

Of course, that ignores that, on average, half of all black people ARE women. But hey, maybe he has a point... No... No, wait... He doesn't. Not at all.

"But being discriminated against is something I know more about than any black person ever could. How so? Not only am I discrimina...ted against by white people for not being moronic like Dennis, but I'm discriminated against by the very same black people that claim to hate racism... for being white."

Well, I'm certainly sure of that. Yep, he knows WAAAAY more about being discriminated against than any minority. I'm sure.

Now that I think about it, I'd discriminate against him, too. He kinda looks like a moron.

Twilight.

2011-01-10T11:47:00.005-05:00

Yep, I'm writing a fucking blog about Twilight. Why? Because I have a little bit of an issue with it. And by "it", I mean the average person who hates it.

First, let's get some stuff out of the way:

Twilight is bad. It's not well-written, and the movies aren't well-done. They're juvenile, teenage fantasy about love, lust and scary monsters. The ineffectual female lead needs men to protect her from everything, which just leads to more teen girls thinking they need a hero man around instead of being strong and doing stuff for themselves.

Now, on to my point...

I have been hearing for years now about how "Twilight is a bad vampire movie", and "Twilight has taken all of the scariness out of vampires", and "Twilight makes fun of good vampire entertainment culture".

Well, fuck all of you people.

"Good vampire entertainment culture"??? What in the fuck is that? It's a bad vampire movie? I'm pretty sure there hasn't been a good vampire movie since 1994, if you can even consider "Interview With a Vampire" to be one.^[1]

Before that, there were plenty of good vampire movies. (Like 1970's Vampyros Lesbos!)

Blade? Awful.
Underworld series? Awful.
Dracula 2000? Seriously, it had "Hyde" from "That 70s Show" in it. That says enough right there.
Van Helsing? Jesus Christ, that was unwatchable... And I even LIKE Hugh Jackman most of the time!
John Carpenter's Vampires. All right, I can almost give you this one. It was a b-movie and it was kinda glorious at times. But it really wasn't that scary, just violent. So, my point remains: Twilight didn't take the scariness out of vampires, because there was none to begin with.

And actually, I'd argue that "Interview" itself made them all kinda romantic-like figures. So there you have it, Twilight didn't make vampires less scary, because they already weren't scary. It didn't make them romantic pansies, because Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise already did that.

So, what I'm saying is this: Twilight has not ruined vampires in the entertainment media, because Hollywood has done that themselves. If you're one of those people that runs around in real life or the Internet, complaining about how Twilight ruined vampires and vampire culture, go fuck yourself.

1. A list of the best 70 vampire movies of all-time. I dare you to try to find me a good one since "Interview".

What is Wikipedia hiding?

2011-01-06T12:07:00.010-05:00

What IS Wikipedia hiding? Who are they working for? Are they in the pocket of a big corporation?

On last night's The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Jon Stewart announced to the world, via television, directly in front of Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales that he was Batman.^[1]

Since that time, numerous people have ventured to Wikipedia to edit Jon Stewart's entry to include this important information, and numerous Wikipedia moderators have removed such edits. At one point, Jon Stewart's page was locked. A discussion then began on Jon Stewart's Wikipedia discussion/talk page. During the discussion, moderators AGAIN stifled discussion and freedom of information, locking the discussion and hiding it.

Well, what are they hiding?

Is Wikipedia in the pocket of a big corporation? Perhaps Wayne Enterprises, whose founder Bruce Wayne is most-commonly associated with the Batman persona? Perhaps he utilizes such a persona to strike fear into his competitors (and employees), but is actually NOT Batman. A small payout to Wikipedia is all that it would take to continue to hide the truth: JON STEWART IS BATMAN.

Wikipedia moderators state that such an extraordinary claim requires an extraordinary source. I say that Jon Stewart IS an extraordinary source, as he is, in fact, Batman. However, let us note important historical facts about people "admitting" to being Batman:

When Batman simply repeated a line to Rachel Dawes, she believed that he was Bruce Wayne, and that Bruce Wayne was therefore Batman. Was Batman an extraordinary source? Was one line of cheesy dialogue enough to prove that someone was someone else?

When Gotham District Attorney Harvey Dent stated to the public, in front of the police and some local news crews, that HE was Batman (which turned out to be untrue), he was immediately arrested and everybody ran with the story. If saying he was Batman to a group of local news people and police was good enough for Harvey Dent, how come when Jon Stewart announces it on national television, Wikipedia won't even run with it?

So, as you can see, when it comes to other people, one simple statement is enough to "prove" that they are Batman. But when it comes to Jon Stewart and Wikipedia, it is not. If it's enough for the police, why isn't it enough for Wikipedia?

Well, I'll tell you why: It's a conspiracy! This conspiracy involves large sums of money, payouts from numerous sources (I imagine DC Comics is in on it, too), and an overall police-state mentality on Wikipedia.

Who will stand with me and take up the sword of truth and fight Wikipedia and their co-conspirators, finally proving to the world that JON STEWART IS BATMAN!?

1. Video

Spreading falsehoods in the name of freedom.

2011-01-06T10:54:00.006-05:00

Some people accuse the US government of doing such things. They call it "false flag operations" in the case of the government lying about an attack. But that's neither here, nor there.

What about using outdated info to continue an attack on something (like outdated WMD info to attack Iraq)? I don't know what that's called, but it also sucks.^[1]

Just like using outdated information to spread a boycott against a corporation. Or to harass them through e-mails about something. Just like the Facebook page "The National Equality March" is doing right now.

Along with Change.org, they have organized a campaign to harass Chick-fil-A for its sponsorship of what was being called "an anti-gay event". Was it an anti-gay event? Probably. Was Chick-fil-A sponsoring it? Yes and no. A local CFA restaurant was, but not the corporation.

Was their campaign successful? It didn't even get out the door. It was dead before it was posted. According to my Facebook page, they posted the link "12 hours ago", which would be 10-11PM last night. On the other hand, by at least 5PM last night, CFA had already gone back on this decision.^[2]

Major fail, National Equality March. You can't keep harassing somebody, or encouraging people to harass a person or a corporation and be taken seriously. Furthermore, I can't believe the amount of idiots saying "I'M NEVER GOING THERE AGAIN" in comments... Since several other people have already posted a link to the article that state they changed their mind about it all.

Do people just not read?

1. Well, at least nobody is dying over this bad information.
2. Article. Posted on 1/5, no time given. However, the first comment is at 5:11PM, long before NEM posted their link.

Should homeschoolers get a tax break?

2011-01-05T12:26:00.003-05:00

FUCK NO.

Apparently, the GOP wants to give them one. Why? Because they aren't using the public school funds. Well, why the hell would they get a tax break if I don't? I don't have a child, so I'm not using those funds either. You know what else I don't use? The police, the fire department, social services, unemployment, the military, etc. And guess what? I still have to pay taxes that support all of those things. Hell, I went to school in Chicago, didn't own a car, and thus never drove on a road. I did this for over a year-and-a-half. Did I get a tax break for not using the roads? Fuck no.

So, why all of a sudden does the GOP want to help these people out? And why are they not trying to help out people without kids? ~~Because they're fucking assholes, that's why.~~ Because they LIKE homeschooling. Because homeschooling is most often used by ~~batshit religious nuts~~ conservative Christians to keep their kids free of the evil, Satanic libruhl influences of the public school system.

You're just not playing fair on this one, GOP.

1. Source

Obscene material? IN FLORIDA?

2010-12-22T08:35:00.008-05:00

So, the infamous "pedophile book how to" author has been arrested in Florida. He's being charged with spreading obscenities. Why? Because Florida police contacted him online and purchased the book from him. By shipping the book to them from Colorado, he broke their obscenity laws.^[1]

Well, okay. I think there is definitely still a free speech issue there, and probably even a case for entrapment. However, that's not even my concern right now. My concern is this: There are likely thousands of people breaking the law in Florida right now, selling obscene books right from their bookshelf.

Why hasn't Florida gone around locking up sellers of The Holy Bible? It depicts sex with children, rape of children, rape of adults, incest, more rape, rape with subsequent murder, sexual enslavement, and a host of other things that are as bad as or worse than anything this Phillip Greaves guy wrote about.

What I find funniest about this is that Floridian authorities recently said they would issue a (very late) post-mortem pardon to Jim Morrison over obscenity charges.^[2] And yet, here there are again, showing what kinda cocks they can be. Oh well.

For the record, I e-mailed the office of Sheriff Grady Judd, asking for an answer. I sure hope he gets back to me.

*UPDATE! I received a reply:

Thank you for your crime tip. On this one, we will pass.

Regarding your claim “That is as obscene as anything in Greaves’ book,” you clearly have not read the book, which I wouldn’t recommend. Your rhetorical argument aside, I am confident that you would not make the comparison given the graphical accounts of sexual battery on a 9 year old and 13 year old boy, and the advise given to pedophiles on how to rape children.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a prosperous and Happy New Year.

Scott

Scott H. Wilder, MPA, CPM
Director of Communications
Polk County Sheriff’s Office^[3]

1. Source
2. What about 2liveCrew? WHEN ARE THEY GOING TO GET THEIR PARDON? AND AN APOLOGY?
3. My tip to them:

Subject: I read with glee about the arrest Phillip Greaves.

Body: But I have to give you a better tip:

People are selling perverted material depicting pedophilia all over your state. Please arrest anybody selling "The Holy Bible".
Samuel 13:1-22 tells the story of a young girl raped by her half-brother. That is clearly obscene and anybody selling it should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Peter 2:7 and on tells the story of Lot, who offers up his young daughters to be raped. That is as obscene as anything in Greaves's book.
Then in Peter 19, those same girls get their dad drunk and have sex with him and become pregnant with his children.
Why hasn't anybody done anything about this book being sold throughout the state of Florida yet? This is disgusting.

I'm going to protest an abstract concept!

2010-12-20T12:09:00.004-05:00

I'm going to protest child abuse. I fully understand that "child abuse" is an abstract concept, kinda like "terror", but I fully intend to end it.^[1]

You see, instead of getting angry about all of the stuff I normally get angry about in here and protest, I have something new to write about. I've just been informed that I need to be angry about and protest child abuse, as it is simply more meaningful than any other thing that is protested.

So, now I shall protest child abuse, as asked by Adam Rosenberg:
My only reaction in response to today's article about the protest at Café Hon ("Demonstrators protest 'Hon' trademark," Dec. 20) is wondering where are these protestors and their outrage over real issues of life and death, such as standing up to child abuse, which ends over 2,500 lives a year? Where is their outrage over that? I respect their constitutional right to assemble, but get angry over something of real importance. You protestors are welcome to join us anytime you are ready to make your voices heard about keeping children safe.^[2]

As soon as I figure out where the child abusers were, I'll be making signs and picketing their front lawn. I invite you all to join me in this crusade against child abusers.

Child abusers, as you know, are terrible people, and thus must be protested. I am outraged by their existence, and I will protest them until the day I die!

...just as soon as someone lets me know where they are?

Anyone? Please?

1. Kinda like the US government is ending "terror" with their "war on terror". LOL!
2. Sun letter

The job of a bartender.

2010-12-19T19:05:00.005-05:00

The job of a bartender is to serve the patrons on behalf of the owner of the establishment. Basically, their job is to get this:

Yes, that's six dollars USD. That might be a bit more than some drinks and a bit less than others, but it's a nice round number. But, I digress... This isn't about how much money is in a picture.^[1]

If a bartender does their job correctly and serves you, they will not only get what is pictured in the above photo, but they will also end up with the following:

See that? That's a tip. That's what a bartender gets when they do a good job and are nice. Maybe they get it as soon as they give you your drink (some people tip immediately), or maybe they get it at the end of the night if you're buying several drinks. The point is, they get that if they're good at their job and treat the customer with respect.

Do you know who doesn't get it? The woman at the Sidebar who my girlfriend now refers to as "cunt".

Do you know why? Because after we had bought several drinks, she simply refused to serve us.

For 45 minutes, we tried in vain to get service. Finally, she informed us that we could get something "after all of the other customers who were tipping". Yeah, who the fuck really says that? That's horrible customer service, and a horrible attitude. That's entitlement to the fucking max!

Her job isn't to demand a tip, it's to sell people alcohol and make the place money. If she gets a tip, that's awesome - and it's the nice thing to do when you're a customer. However, acting like you are OWED one and refusing to serve people because they haven't given you when is just bad service. And you know what happens when you give that kind bad service? You miss out on both of the above pictures of money, and you can possibly ruin someone's night out with your horrible attitude.

She's overall horrible at her actual job (making the bar money) because she was serving "all of the other people who were tipping", which I could see were people buying $2 Natty Bohs. We were actually trying to spend MORE money on higher priced items. So, while she might've been getting a tip (which works to her advantage), she actually failed at her specific job, which is the make the bar more money. If I were the owner, I'd fire her.

But again, I digress... I'll get back to the point!

Was she going to get a tip from us? In the words of Sarah Palin, "You betcha!"^[2] But, she was going to get it at the end of the night, like we often tip. But now she gets nothing but what she deserves: scathing words for a stupidly entitled woman with a bad attitude.

1. if you don't know how much money is in a picture, you probably can't read this blog anyway.
2. This will likely be the first and only time I quote that awful woman.

Sweden, Switzerland, Spain, and the Sun

2010-12-19T09:57:00.003-05:00

What do the things in the title have in common? Well, I'm going to tell you.

(AFP) - After billions of years the Sun finally has an owner -- a woman from Spain's soggy region of Galicia said Friday she had registered the star at a local notary public as being her property.

...

Duran, who lives in the town of Salvaterra do Mino, said she now wants to slap a fee on everyone who uses the sun and give half of the proceeds to the Spanish government and 20 percent to the nation's pension fund.^[2]

So, apparently, some stupid lady thinks she own the sun now, and wants everybody to pay for its usage.^[2]

Great... Yet another stupid person co-opting what belongs to everybody.

What's more surprising is that, somehow, this is legally allowed:

There is an international agreement which states that no country may claim ownership of a planet or star, but it says nothing about individuals, she added.

It seems like she's right. However, I would make an argument that, by personal ownership and her being a part of a country, the sun is actually property of Spain in some ways. But I guess somebody else will be left to argue this in court and laugh this lady into madness.

Yes, yes, I do realize that I'm not being at all humorous today. And do you know why? There is nothing at all funny about this... AT ALL. It's just really fucking sad.

Well, okay, maybe there is this:

I originally found out about this story while reading about the Cafe Hon controversy here. On the page, a commenter wrote that "when a woman in Sweden (or Switzerland can't remember which) just claimed to owning the SUN". Sweden? Switzerland? Yeah, people confuse them sometimes. I'll give them that... But it was Spain. SPAIN. Nowhere in the same ballpark, unless you count that they all start with "S" and are part of the continent known as Europe...

1. Source
2. Goth kids luck out - they won't have to pay much at all!

Things that are not art.

2010-12-17T12:39:00.003-05:00

I will accept a great many things as art, or that someone out there thinks that the specific thing is art (after all, art is subjective).

While I hate Jackson Pollack, I can see why this might be art to someone:

And while I pretty much despise Dadaism and think that it was a bit silly at times, I can also see why someone would consider this art:

However, for the life of me, I cannot figure out why anybody would consider this art (or a craft, or anything):

Do you know why I can't figure out why anybody would consider that art? Because it's NOT FUCKING ART.

It's a pile of misshapen, white, baked clay that someone gave an afterthought of an idea to. It took no talent, no skill, no understanding, no money, and thus has no value.

The first example of "art" above at least has monetary value, as it is paint on canvas. Being that canvas is expensive, we at least have the fact that the artist went through the trouble of paying actual money to buy their supplies; Pollock at least put some effort into what he was doing. Besides the financial effort Mr. Pollock expended, we can also probably all agree that it took him at least 30 minutes to spread the pain upon that canvas. Take a close look at how many colors of paint are strewn upon Pollock's canvas. That dude would've likely spent at least 10 minutes alone on simply opening each of those paint colors in the picture!

So, in our first example, we have time and we have money, and the fact that we know what it is without someone telling us (paint on canvas). Those three things are good enough for me. Unlike the last piece, at least there is an effort. Is it art? Well, art is subjective. I can say that there was effort, so maybe in some strange way, that makes it art.

As for Duchamp's "Fountain"? Well, it's art to some people, sure. Was there effort? Not really - it was an object already in existence. Did it have a purpose? I suppose to mock the establishment of "art" at the time. Did it have a cost? I'm not sure, but I imagine since it's porcelain, it probably had a bit of a cost. Is it art? Not to me - I hate that kinda shit. Is it art to somebody? Definitely. Why can we consider it art? I would say that he at least put some real thought into it and got some attention out of it, I suppose.

So, to recount, with Duchamp's "Fountain" we have the following characteristics: effort (very little, but some), meaning (questionable), attention (a lot), and thought (very little, but it's there), easily recognizable as to what it is. Do the characteristics mentioned make it art? Not necessarily. However, they do suggest that he actually was trying to do something.

And finally, we are left with the pile of clay, which was done by "DimeStoreThrift", an Iowan artist peddling their wares on Etsy. The title of the piece is "Tiny Handmade Clay Nativity", which makes no sense to anybody but DimeStoreThrift, I imagine.

The cost of clay is negligible.
The meaning behind this piece seems like complete and utter bullshit.
It looks like it took about 30 seconds to make (excluding baking time, in which the "artist" could've been masturbating to Internet porn).
We have to actually read the title of it to figure out that it is anything other than piles of clay. And hell, from the picture, you can't even be sure it's piles of clay. Those could be piles of anything.^[1]

So, is it art?

No, it's NOT FUCKING ART.

AND IT'S NOT WORTH $12.00.

IN FACT, COME TO THINK OF IT, IT'S NOT WORTH THE FUCKING CLAY IT'S BEEN MADE FROM.

1. "Shit" comes to mind.

Fear of a ProperNoun Planet

2010-12-16T10:47:00.007-05:00

I am afraid, I am very afraid. I fear many things, some irrational (zombies, robot and/or alien overlords for start) and some are rational (like a Palin Presidency)^[1]. There are things that other people fear that I find out right hilarious - Barack Obama is a socialist, immigrants are taking our jobs, the gay agenda, Muslims are taking over America - to name a few.

But today, today I learned that I was only half-right on one of those. Today is the day that I learned of something more sinister than the gay agenda: TheGay Agenda.

You see, when put into the perspective of a proper noun like above, gays become much more of a sinister force. The power of a proper noun like "TheGays" really permeates my deepest layers of my mind, filling me with feelings of horror and dread. The power of such a proper noun is so strong that my mind ceases to function. I cannot, for the life of me, fathom what the world will be like when TheGays take over.

Now, you have to be wondering where I learned of such an awesome, powerful organization? Well, I learned of TheGays from foxnewscomments.com. FoxNewsComments is a website that collects the only the shiniest of gems from Fox News commenters.^[2]

Throughout the site, I noticed many comments about "the gays" (and their agenda), but I was no afraid. But then, I noticed several horrifying comments about the frightfulness of "TheGays". When I read the capital letters, I instantly understood that I should fear them, for they are a true organization of power, hell-bent on converting us all to butt-fucking, carpet-licking glory.

But my fear doesn't stop there, no, not at all... Because once I realized how horrible a proper noun can be, I realized that there are far, far worse proper nouns to be had in this world.

Without further ado, I give you: TheStupids. Yes, TheStupids, a vast conspiracy of stupid people, hellbent on destroying America's inquisitive, intellectual nature, whose ultimate enemy is tolerant, well-thinking people. TheStupids don't just want to destroy the world, they want to rule it once they've destroyed it (much like Sauron).^[3]

TheStupids home base seems to be foxnews.com. We must fight them, America. We must fight them, indeed.

As a parting note, everybody better stay quiet and not let the guy here know that they just cured a guy of HIV in Berlin... It might blow his fucking brain up.

1. Sarah Palin, of course... Not Michael Palin of Monty Python fame... Not that he could be President anyway, as he's not even American. In fact, he was born in England, which is slightly more than one swallow's flight away from here. That'd be an unladen swallow, even.
2. I would say it has an apt title. Just like "Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film".
3. They are more awful than the Legendary Black Beast of Agggh. And, unfortunately, cannot be destroyed by causing a heart attack in an animator.

Somebody didn't pay attention in the DARE class...

2010-12-15T12:36:00.008-05:00

Anybody remember DARE?^[1] Well, it applies to you PARENTS, and not just your kids.

Dear Child In The Back Seat: Your days of whining for the Strawberry Shortcake Happy Meal toy you saw on TV may be numbered. At least in California.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest filed a lawsuit today against McDonald's in state court in California to stop the company from advertising toys with Happy Meals.

The group filed the class action suit on behalf of parents, including plaintiff Monet Parham, a 41-year-old mother of two from Sacramento who says she's fed up with the pestering.

Monet Parham clearly didn't have a DARE program in her high school, or she would've learned how to JUST SAY NO. It's not hard, especially when YOU ARE THE PARENT and HAVE ALL OF THE MONEY and THEY ARE THE CHILD and HAVE NO MONEY. You know what you can do when you are the parent? JUST. FUCKING. SAY. NO.

And if they pester you about it, you punish them until they learn to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. about it.

Why any of this is a difficult concept for Monet Parham, I'm REALLY not sure. The one thing I am sure of, as it is quite clear, now: some parents simply feel the need to sue somebody instead of, I dunno, BEING A PARENT AND TAKING SOME FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY.

I guess when passing a law fails,^[3] lawsuits are a good backup. After all, we live in the land of frivolous lawsuits!^[4]

America: Home of the stupid.

1. Nancy Reagan's terrible idea of an anti-drug program. Yeah, JUST SAY NO! That works every time, I tell you!
2. NPR article
3. San Francisco kids rejoice after outgoing Mayor Gavin Newsom vetoes city's McDonald's Happy Meal ban
4. When the government fails, people must take things into their own stupid, stupid hands...

I just copyrighted white ovals.

2010-12-14T11:08:00.006-05:00

As of today, I am the sole owner of the trademark "white oval with black lettering in it". You all know what I'm talking about: the little oval stickers with letters in them, usually referring to a vacation destination (they're often plastered upon the cars of people who have far too much time to travel to yuppified vacation destinations). If you don't, the picture to the right is a good example. So yeah, those things! Well, I fucking trademarked them. Anybody using them to promote anything that makes them money actually owes me some money.

Starting with Denise Whiting.

So hand over a fucking check, bitch.

Caesar: A Typical Latin Thug

2010-12-09T14:13:00.005-05:00

And so it has come to pass, another Muslim has apparently been caught trying to commit terrorist acts. This time it was a Nicaraguan-born young man who had quite a poor run as a teenager (in and out of jail, etc).

As normal (and expected), the ignorant single-celled organisms (and I'm not even sure that single cell is a brain cell) crawl out from under their rocks and comment.

The comments include ramblings about how violent Islam is and how there is no way that any Muslim can be peaceful - and if, in fact, they are peaceful, they're not a real Muslim (or something like that^[1]), calls for execution (because that's what'll stop Muslim terrorists^[2]), and more of the usual. None of the aforementioned stuff is that remarkable, as it's pretty par-for-the-course kinda stuff. However, then we get a sparkling gem of blatant racism:

Donato1 at 12:10 AM December 9, 2010

Is he an illegal alien or just some typical Latin Thug

What is a "typical Latin Thug", anyway? Well, I've looked into it: I've polled several archaeologists and searched through masses of Google results. I'm happy to tell you that my hard work has resulted in a great conclusion:

Julius Caesar is the prime example of a "typical Latin Thug".

This history of "Latin Thuggery" dates back to the 2nd century BCE, and is a wonderful cultural tradition that is kept alive today by The Roman Catholic church. Typical Latin Thugs are trained, starting at toddlerhood, personally by The Pope (from what I understand, it's a scene much like the one in the Star Wars prequel movies where Yoda is instructing younglings). When they reach five, they are shipped back home to their homes to train under the local Archbishop. Finally, when they achieve puberty, they are released into the wild^[3] (as the Catholic priests have no more use for them).

When their training is complete, Latin Thugs are required, for the rest of their lives, to spend an inordinate amount of time acting thug-like. They are also legally and morally bound to follow a codified set of rules while doing it. This code includes requirements to speak solely in Latin during any crime they commit, wear a lot of gold jewelry, and to attend mass every Sunday.

It is interesting to note that originally, Latin Thugs were not required to attend mass, as Julius Caesar was not a Catholic. In those days of yore, they were required to attend an orgy every Sunday, instead.

1. It's hard to really say what the person was attempting to communicate, because they're that fucking stupid.
2. Yep, a group that is often comprised of SUICIDE BOMBERS will be stopped due to threat of execution. That makes sense!
3. Not to be confused with the stupid, overrated movie that "changes the lives" of dumb, spoiled, rich white kids.

You'll never find a more wretched hive...

2010-12-02T19:57:00.003-05:00

The title is part of a phrase of immortal words, spoken by the fictional character Obi Wan Kenobi. In Star Wars: A New Hope, he is speaking of "Mos Eisley Spaceport". I, however, am speaking of fmylife.com.

If you've made it this far into the internet, I'm sure you've visited it before, or at least heard of it. On fmylife.com, people post stories relating to how shitty their day went. Other users can then vote on any particular story by clicking "I agree, your life sucks", or "you totally deserved it." For the most part, the overwhelming majority of stories end up with a huge margin of "I agree, your life sucks" votes.

On the other hand, sometimes, it goes the other way, and with good cause. But yet, there are still other times when I have to scream "WHAT THE FUCK" at the computer screen after seeing how many people have told somebody that they totally deserved whatever it was that happened. Today, I read an entry that did exactly that:

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML^[1]

Right now, as of this posting, the above story has received 14246 "you totally deserved it" votes (and 7188 "I agree, your life sucks" votes).

This kinda thing reeks of old-fashioned sexism. Women are apparently special snowflakes, to be worshipped, never bothered, and never asked a personal question... And if you don't respect that, you deserve any bad actions that come your way.

Well, fuck that.

I know that plenty of women (and men) are not comfortable with being asked about their weight, and I even know that in some reserved parts of society, asking a woman her weight (or age) is a big fucking deal. But pardon me when I say, WHEN THE FUCK HAS IT EVER BEEN A BIG ENOUGH DEAL THAT PEOPLE THINK IT'S OKAY TO DESTROY SOMEBODY ELSE'S EXPENSIVE PROPERTY?

That's totally not okay. It's okay to be angry - I personally think it'd be silly to even be angry - but that's anybody's prerogative. However, it's definitely not okay to throw somebody's $300 video game system out the window because they asked you how much you happened to weigh.

But yet, some people really think it's okay:

There is many things not to ask to your girlfriend. The worst is exactly what you said. You deserved it...

P.S. I once called my girlfriend "bébé boule" (that's in french) or baby ball in english. I slept on the couch for 2 weeks and a half.^[2]

Yes, your girlfriend is an angry person who deals with her anger by making you sleep on the couch, and if I were you, I'd break up with the crazy lady. However, your situation is not the situation that everybody else finds themselves in, and I certainly hope it's not anything even relative to normal. I think that people don't go crazy over a cute "pet name" that they find offensive. I also think that most people - even women - wouldn't go fucking nuts, breaking shit in the process, just because somebody asked them their weight.

In the end, even if you're overweight and self-conscious about it, this is definitely not okay. There are much, much, MUCH healthier ways to express your anger - ways that don't involve being a psychotic fuckhead that makes your partner afraid to ever ask you something personal again.

If this is how she reacts to that personal question, I'd hate to see what happens if he ever asks her if she's having her period.

1. Post
2. Comment

When the "tolerant" become the intolerant.

2010-11-23T13:34:00.006-05:00

Or, "How to become the leader of a pseudo-cult and gain the egomaniacal attitude that usually comes with it".

Cults can take many forms - religious, philosophical, political (just to name a few) - and can be benign or dangerous (like a cancerous tumor).

This is about a dangerous leftist cult. The cult in question is run by an egomaniac with a propensity towards quoting himself, who is prone to bouts of angrily pressing the "delete" button because someone politely disagrees with something he says, and who will do anything he can to keep his shock troops under control.

Okay, so I exaggerated a bit in the last paragraph, but that doesn't mean that it's not true.

Fast forward to:

I love it when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is President.

And while I do love it (I remember the Reagan, Bush, and Bush years too much to not), I can't stand the way this group operates. Any semblance of decent conversation is shot down with disapproval. Any argument made that is against the willful ignorance of the page's moderator is stifled. People are banned, all of their posts deleted as a punishment - all traces of them removed.

I won't lie, I got banned, and that's why I'm writing this. Did I deserve to be banned? I don't know. You tell me, Internet!

The moderator posted a link to an article about the TSA taking nail clippers from US soldiers. I commented, explaining that I feel that the rules are the rules and just because they are soldiers, it doesn't mean that they can break them. Apparently, this was horrible of me, and I received an e-mail from a moderator about it, and the next time I visited the page, I couldn't comment: I was banned.

Maybe my comment was rude... Maybe it insults soldiers, who put their lives on the line? I don't know - I really don't give a fuck about soldiers. Not that I want them to die ...or live, or anything at all, really. I simply have no opinion on whether they are good/bad/etc.

However, as far as my comment goes, I don't see how it's wrong at all. Why should soldiers be allowed to operate under different rules than us? The only time, legally, that they should be anything but civilians (when in the US) is during a specific time of war, emergency, or martial law - when any of those things are enacted, they are above the law. When those things are NOT in place, they are subject to civilian law like the rest of us, including those that pertain to flying.

But you see, it doesn't stop there. As I mentioned, initially, the moderator also loves to quote himself. He made a post yesterday, quoting one famous person, one unknown person, and himself:

There are only two kinds of Republicans: Multi-millionaires and suckers."~unknown

"Religion may be opium to the masses, but it has become Crystal Meth to the extremists." ~me

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be."~P.C. Hodgell

In response to this, someone wrote, "I have trouble taking people seriously once they quote themselves on Facebook."

The moderator replied, writing, "There's always one in the bunch that's just not happy isn't there. LOL."

It should come as no surprise to anybody that's been following along that the next thing that happened was the commenter was banned, all of their previous comments deleted. And for what? Simply making an off-hand comment about how ridiculous quoting yourself is. Well, it is. It's obnoxious and it reeks of self-importance. But, most of all, in my mind, proves what I already believed about this pers:

That David Haberman is an egomaniacal, self-obsessed douchebag.

And you can quote me on that.^[1]

1. I won't quote myself on it, though - that'd be silly.

Sad Meals

2010-11-04T12:08:00.003-04:00

Happy Meals will be "happy" no longer in San Francisco, come December 1st. The SF Board of Supervisors voted 8-3 to ban toys from coming with meals that don't meet certain nutritional requirements.

This is a slap in the face - across the board - to personal responsibility. If kids are becoming obese from eating too much food from McDonald's, the problem isn't toys, it's MCDONALD'S. The horrible food will still be there, whether it comes with a toy or not. You can't really successfully market to kids. Sure, they want the toy, but you can just as easily give kids of many ages another toy and they'll be happy enough with it.

This likely won't end any problems, because the availability of cheap fast food will still be there. The parents can still buy a burger and a small fry for a dollar each, and McDonald's (and other places) can still sell the toys separately. In the end, it'll be about the same price.

Happy Meals existed when I was a kid, and I even had a box full of Happy Meal toys, proving that I ate a lot of them. However, I didn't end up obese from it. Why not? I guess I didn't eat it often enough.

McDonald's isn't to blame for kids ending up obese - the parents who feed them solely on shitty, greasy fast food are to blame. If you pass a law telling a business they can't give away a toy with a meal, you're just preventing them from giving away a toy, which isn't the problem! The problem is the parents, who are still going to give their kids cheap, shitty food that makes them fat and gives them diabetes.

If you want to pass a law to protect kids from McDonald's, pass something that states that no more than 25% of their calories in a day can come from such foods, or something like that. Sure, it's hard as hell to enforce (but so is this one, since they can still sell the toy and the food separately for the same price if they want), but it makes more sense in the end.

1. Article

How soon they forget...

2010-11-01T13:16:00.002-04:00

Apparently, Fox News has selective memory. As of today, "Tea Baggers" or any reference to "bag" or "bagging" along with "tea", is vulgar:

CROWDER: I definitely would say there were more pockets of animosity here then at any Tea Party. … I had one gentleman actually, ironically enough, smack my camera out of my hand and grab my arm because I didn’t have my Canadian passport. There were people circling the Fox News van saying to blow up the Fox News van we have this all on tape. … If this is designed to restore sanity, it’s based on a divisive concept of referring essentially to all tea partiers as insane. That’s really what they’re saying. So you got a lot of that, a lot of vulgar signs, you know calling them teabaggers.^[1]

However, back in April of 2009, the Tea Party movement said they were going to "Tea Bag" Obama. Fox covered these stories profusely. They made many reports about the supposed "tea bagging" of Obama, and how folks were going to "tea bag the White House".^[2] A Twitter called "TeaBagObama" even popped up during this time. Fox contributor Charles Krauthammer (is that a stereotypical name or what?) even talked about "Tea Bagging" demonstrations on air.^[3]

So, back in April of 2009, when they were doing it, it was okay. It wasn't vulgar, and it wasn't offensive - it was just something that they did. Now that folks at Jon Stewart's semi-satirical "Rally to Restore Sanity"^[4] referenced it, it's demonized as a vulgar, offensive thing to say.

Hey Fox, invest in some ginko or something. Maybe some Alzheimer's treatment? Not really sure, as I'm not a doctor, but you seem to need help with your memory.

1. Reference
2. Second link
3. First link (video)
4. Which was over twice as large as Fox poster boy Glenn Beck's shitty rally.

Ah, folks...

2010-10-27T13:31:00.003-04:00

I finally figured out what Tim Profitt deserves over the "stomping the librul terrist"!

It's an apology.

Tim Profitt, the Rand Paul supporter behind the white sneaker that notoriously stomped on a MoveOn activist's head in Kentucky, sought to play down the importance of the incident Tuesday, and went so far as to ask the victim for an apology.

"I don't think it's that big of a deal," Profitt told WKYT. "I would like for her to apologize to me to be honest with you."^[1]

I still think he shouldn't settle for just an apology. A starring movie role or a job with the DHS would be better. But hey, to each his own, if he'll settle for an apology, then that's on him.

You know, I was kidding the other day when I said he deserved any of those things. That's what I do, sometimes: Satire.

So, now, in all seriousness, I must ask: WHAT THE FUCK?

Is this guy for real?

1. Huff Post article

Irony, defined.

2010-10-26T15:06:00.004-04:00

Baltimore's law against trans fats claimed a victim recently. A restaurant was busted (for a second time) for selling trans fats, ~~a dangerous, drug-like~~ an illegal substance.

The city health department says a business called Healthy Choice John's Barbecue, located inside Lexington Market, violated the ban on trans fats.^[1]

If that isn't irony for you, eh?

But then again, you know, who decides what is healthy? Plenty of things are healthy in small doses. Trans fats, in any dose more than that allowed by law, likely aren't healthy, but if that's the most unhealthy thing about a food, I'm not sure I see the problem.

Sure, we've eliminated the horrid, murderous substance known as trans fats from McDonalds french fries, but do you know what we haven't eliminated yet? McDonalds french fries.

Last I checked, they're still sold in Baltimore, they're still filled with other types of fat, and they're still drenched in ~~delicious~~ heart-disease causing sodium.

Sometimes, I think the "experts" focus on the wrong things. They find one little niche thing to obsess over - in this case trans fats - and ignore the big picture.

1. WJZ.com story

Just watch. Then read.

2010-10-26T09:59:00.007-04:00

Man, that video was AWE...SOME!

Never before have I seen so much action at a political candidate debate!

Somebody should hook that guy in the checkered shirt up with an NFL contract. Look at the way he manhandled that woman, tackling her to the ground. I haven't seen such good tackling since Tony Romo was sacked last night.

Somebody get that guy a job in the NFL, stat! I'm sure The Buffalo Bills could use some more defensive players.^[1]

And, fuck, man... Just look at that head stomp from that other bad ass guy! I haven't seen such a good head stomping on a curb since renowned character actor Ed Norton played Derek Vinyard in American History X. If they ever decide to shoot a remake of that movie (like they do to all movies these days), that guy should be considered the #1 shoe-in candidate for the character of Derek. He's a bad ass!

At the very least, they should both get a Congressional Medal of Honor for being super bad asses that beat much smaller, innocent women for ~~no reason~~ possible terrorist actions. I mean, hell, she had a sign contrary to what they believe, she could've been a terrorist, in all ~~logical~~ batshit possibility.

If a Medal of Honor is too much, then how about a job offer? Perhaps position in the DHS is an apt reward for their bravery? Come on, these guys deserve at least something for their righteous actions!^[2]

1. They are 0-6 right now, and likely going to be 0-7 on the 31st.
2. A prison sentence sounds nice.

The Crazy Cult of Weight Loss

2010-10-21T14:29:00.005-04:00

I don't even know where to begin, actually. I've heard of this diet before (wasn't sure of its name), but now it has been brought to my attention since I know people on it. Investigating it became a hobby of mine for about an hour this afternoon, and wow, I am shocked. This isn't a diet fad, it's a DIET CULT.

I know that I have a penchant for overstatement at times, as sometimes it's brings a bit of humor to a situation. However, this is one time I'm being completely straightforward about it: This diet is a cult. The people on it - the ones who really believe in it - are cult members. People on it LIE to other people to get them to try it. Sure, it delivers results, but it also brainwashes you into complete obedience, without ever informing you of the dangers of what you're doing to yourself.

First, let's discuss what this diet is all about:

It's a low-calorie diet where you also take a horomone, HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), which apparently causes weight loss. Now, here is where the dangers begin: I think anybody can see what a bad idea a low-calorie diet is. Most research shows it causes a variety of mood issues, as well as over all health and growth issues. But that's not the worst of it, folks, because if you actually read about HCG, then you see that you probably would be safer drinking bleach on a daily basis.^[1]

Here are some facts about HCG:

Human chorionic gonadotropin interacts with the LHCG receptor and promotes the maintenance of the corpus luteum during the beginning of pregnancy, causing it to secrete the hormone progesterone. Progesterone enriches the uterus with a thick lining of blood vessels and capillaries so that it can sustain the growing fetus. Due to its highly-negative charge, hCG may repel the immune cells of the mother, protecting the fetus during the first trimester. It has also been hypothesized that hCG may be a placental link for the development of local maternal immunotolerance. For example, hCG-treated endometrial cells induce an increase in T cell apoptosis (dissolution of T-cells). These results suggest that hCG may be a link in the development of peritrophoblastic immune tolerance, and may facilitate the trophoblast invasion, which is known to expedite fetal development in the endometrium. It has also been suggested that hCG levels are linked to the severity of morning sickness in pregnant women.

Because of its similarity to LH, hCG can also be used clinically to induce ovulation in the ovaries as well as testosterone production in the testes. As the most abundant biological source is women who are presently pregnant, some organizations collect urine from pregnant women to extract hCG for use in fertility treatment.^[2]

Other sources, including pages about the diet itself, informed that it has not been approved by the FDA for weight-loss. The Wikipedia also went on to say similar things:

A controversial usage of hCG is as an adjunct to the British endocrinologist A.T.W. Simeons' ultra-low-calorie weight-loss diet (less than 500 calories). Simeons, while studying pregnant women in India on a calorie-deficient diet, and “fat boys” with pituitary problems (Frölich's syndrome) treated with low-dose hCG, claimed that both lost fat rather than lean (muscle) tissue. He reasoned that hCG must be programming the hypothalamus to do this in the former cases in order to protect the developing fetus by promoting mobilization and consumption of abnormal, excessive adipose deposits. Simeons, practicing at Salvator Mundi International Hospital in Rome, Italy, recommended low-dose daily hCG injections (125 IU) in combination with a customized ultra-low-calorie (500 cal/day, high-protein, low-carbohydrate/fat) diet loss of adipose tissue without loss of lean tissue. After Simeons’ death, the diet started to spread to specialized centers and via popularization by individuals, such as the controversial author Kevin Trudeau, famous for promotion of alternative therapies and treatments.

The controversy proceeds from warnings by the Journal of the American Medical Association and the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition that hCG is neither safe, nor effective as a weight-loss aid.

The FDA says it's bad for weight-loss, the American Medical Association says it's unhealthy, what more do you need to convince you that it's a bad idea? Hell, even Major League Baseball bans it.^[3]

Now does that sound safe to anybody? It's a chemical that is produced by pregnant women. Should men take that? I am not a doctor, but I wouldn't suggest it. They also use it to TEST FOR PREGNANCY. Oh, and it can induce ovulation? Well that definitely sounds like something you'd wanna take to lose weight, right?

Not I, said the fly. And I. And me and myself.

Not to mention, this is a horomone that hasn't been proven, at all, to cause weight loss. If anything, eating 500 calories a day is causing the weight loss, more than likely. And hell, on that note, let's get back to the calorie count.

For the average person, 500 calories isn't even enough to support normal brain function, according to most studies.

Other health risks of a 500 calorie-a-day diet:

Beyond the danger of lowering your metabolism and losing lean muscle there are more serious health risks associated with very low calorie diets. Major risks related to starvation or semi-starvation diets for severely obese patients site occurrences of sudden death due to ventricular arrhythmias. Correlation has been shown between the duration of the diet and the amount of protein and essential minerals ingested as contributing factors. Deficiencies in the following play an important part in increasing chances of developing an electrically unstable heart:

Copper
Potassium
Magnesium^[4]

Quite a few people (male and female) have reported their hair thinning and/or falling out. Mmm. Baldness is so sexy.

So now we can see that this diet is most definitely a dangerous thing to undertake. So that's fine, a lot of diets are. However, that's not the immediate purpose of this entry. The immediate purpose is to expose their Cult-like attitude.

I've read of people lying to other people about the diet to get them to join it and others asking a simple question about dietary restrictions, only to be told "Don't ask questions" by those who strictly adhere to the principles of the diet. It seems like a very Cult-like atmosphere, almost Third Reich-esque in its level of unwavering obedience.

Here is one example of this behavior

robin Finke October 16, 2010 at 2:17 pm

Why no white meat turkey?

sherrie October 16, 2010 at 4:08 pm

I found out, do not question the diet, follow the protocol.^[5]

Robin's question was a good one: Why, if you can have chicken, can't you have turkey? I'm not sure of the answer, but I'd love to have one personally. However, instead of anybody telling him why you can't have turkey, the brainwashed minions of the HCG Diet told Robin not to question the diet - you simply have to blindly follow what's there.

And this isn't the only example of that, either. On the diet's Facebook page, someone asked about why "mushrooms" were not on the list of foods one can eat on this diet. The answer she was given was "I have no idea why." So, the people running the page have no idea why this diet works or doesn't work, they simply obey what a doctor wrote in the 70s. When somebody says "I have no scientific reason" before telling you why you can't do something, there is probably something fundamentally wrong with what they are about to say.

And then there is this gem (also from their Facebook page):^[6]

Ok question,, and I know the protocol like the back of my hand ,, but I have a friend who does spin training 2 times a week and does a lifting class, so she has to do it, but here is the question, she wants to do the drops so bad but she says no way she can do only 500 calories,, she wants do 1000 calories and drops, n...ow we know the protocol is 500 but what happens if she does it on 1000 calories, gain? or just a way slower lose or nothing?? I stated I would ask for her..

One of the answers given by one of the page's moderators was:

Toni, if she attempts to do them both she will likely stall in weight or even gain and potentially pass out while trying to work out ~ Linda

I'm not even kidding. I can't even make this shit up. If you lift weights and have 1000 calories instead of 500, you'll pass out. I have a feeling that the Facebook page is simply a means to make money. It directs you to a site where you can buy their products, and they basically tell you to blindly follow what they say. Seems like a scam to me.

Well, there you have it folks... The blind leading the blind. A diet? Yes. A dangerous diet? Most definitely. A cult? Probably. A scam to make money? I'm pretty sure.

I fear for anybody that thinks this is a good idea.

1. There's that penchant for overstatement I sometimes have.
2. Wikipedia page on HCG
3. Diets In Review article on HCG Diet
4. Information page on low calorie diets
5. David Wallace blog entry about the diet, comment section
6. YourHCG.com Facebook page

Bubblevicious

2010-10-19T13:40:00.009-04:00

Bubbles: n.
1. a fun childhood memory, a children's plaything
2. a wonderful merriment of delight and awe for any kid
3. a vicious weapon often used to assault police officers

Which of the above definitions (1-3) is most accurate?

The correct answer is: 3.

Yes, bubbles are a vicious weapon most often utilized by leftist commie protesters in their vicious, violent attacks against the establishment. Tens of cops have been brutally battered by bubbles in recent years. Some unfortunate victims of these attacks even had to go so far as to rinse their eyes out with water! Bubbles are a cancer on our society, and in the hands of the wrong person: a WMD.

It is a true fact, and I will attest to it, that bubbles were the one thing most commonly cited as a reason to go to war with Iraq. Troops might've never found the vast bubble caches that Saddam Hussein had stashed around his empire, but that doesn't mean they didn't and still don't pose a threat. Somebody out there has those bubbles, and soon, they will strike with them again.

Take for instance, Constable Adam Josephs of the Toronto Police Services, who was brutally victimized by a young woman during the G20 protests this Summer. Josephs, whose real name is Officer Bubbles, had bubbles blown into his face by a young lady, even after he had warned her to stop. His ego was crushed by this meddling young lady - SHE WASN'T RESPECTIN HIS AUTHORITAY!^[1]

Unfortunately, while Josephs survived the incident, he did have to be worked on by emergency medical workers due to a severe case of ego bruising.

Officer Bubbles's troubles don't stop there, though, folks. After this incident was aired on YouTube, the comments poured in. The victim became a further victim when people began to ridicule him. When someone is down, you shouldn't kick them, but yet people did. Over 23 people posted rude comments about it; these people utilized biting wit, sharpened sarcasm, and scandalous satire.

Where is the sense in some people? How can we, as a people of this planet, continue to abuse each other in this way? One man even went out of his way to viciously attack Officer Bubbles, stating, "officer bubbles probably looks at himself in the mirror a lot."^[2]

Sadly, the vicious defamation Officer Bubbles endured took its toll recently, and he was hospitalized with a severe case of butt-hurt. Thankfully, he pulled through the procedure and survived his debilitating disease, but not before spending millions of dollars during the course of his hospital stay. Thankfully, the Canadian court system has allowed him to place the blame where it belongs: those who made the vicious comments.^[3]

Officer Bubbles has named the following defendants in a lawsuit designed to pay for his vast medical bills, stemming from the severe case of butt-hurt he received: 23 YouTube commenters, YouTube, and the author of a parody video mocking his AUTHORITAY!

1. Original video featuring Officer Bubbles yelling at someone for... Blowing bubbles at him.
2. Article about Todd Mara, a defendant in the lawsuit by "Officer Bubbles".
3. Overview of the entire thing.

A mad tea party... Literally!

2010-10-17T22:30:00.006-04:00

A quote from an article:^[1]

So long as the state Constitution mandates free public schools, a voucher system (or refundable tuition tax credit) is the best we can do. To attain quantum leaps in educational quality and opportunity, however, we need to separate school and state entirely. Government should exit the business of running and funding schools.

This is no utopian ideal; it's the way things worked through the first century of American nationhood, when literacy levels among all classes, at least outside the South, matched or exceeded those prevailing now, and when public discourse and even tabloid content was pitched at what today would be considered a college-level audience.

WHAT. THE. FUCK...?

I mean, really... Seriously... WHAAAAAT... THEEEEE... FUUUUUUCK?

Who in their right mind is actually arguing that we're LESS LITERATE today than in the FIRST 100 years of our country's history? In the 19th century alone, first off plenty of ANTI-LITERACY laws were passed to keep blacks from being taught to read/write. Secondly, voting laws were passed to keep non-readers from voting, which kept plenty of non-blacks from voting (which suggests that lots of non-blacks also couldn't read). Thirdly, people started working at younger ages than today, and schools weren't readily available. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT FUCKING MIND REALLY THINKS THAT PEOPLE WERE MORE LITERATE BACK THEN?

You know who? NOBODY. NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND.

Which is why this guy - David Harmer^[2] - is part of a MAD TEA PARTY. Next he'll be celebrating unbirthdays and yelling "DEATH TO THE BLOODY RED QUEEN". Someone let me know when Tim Burton gets the rights to make this into a movie, and Johnny Depp is cast.

I can't even begin to imagine the overall scope of the world if this were to happen. It's highly doubtful that anybody in the lower class could afford to build/make/maintain/send their kids to a school, which would further increase the economic divide. Due to illiteracy, the country would be forced to create a whole new section of jobs where reading wasn't important, causing jobs like "burger maker" and "fry cooker" to be more lucrative, as they require reading (the monitors in the kitchen). This would lead to higher prices for fast food, which, admittedly, might help the lower class, at base level (you might think). However, additional jobs which would be only available to the educated would include other food-involved jobs, such as any job at a grocery store - thus raising those food prices as well. The poor would get poorer, the middle class would get poorer, food and service prices would soar; you've gotta pay those gas station attendants more - they spent a good chunk of their childhood learning to read! And, in the end, America would fall even further behind most of the other industrialized, first-world countries of the world - not that we can fall too much further before being in the realm of second- and third-world countries.

You know, now that I think about it, if this guy is the product of public schools, maybe his idea isn't so bad... The system clearly doesn't raise critical thinkers.

1. Article
2. Currently running for office in California's 11th district.

Soup Nazis

2010-10-10T20:49:00.002-04:00

Soup Nazis! Yes, this blog entry is about SOUP NAZIS.

Soup Nazis, Soup Nazis, Soup Nazis! I am not referring to the real-life man featured on Seinfeld (in fact, I rather despise that show). I am actually referring to the real-world company, Campbell's. Yes, Campbell's, the very same soup company that we all likely share fond childhood memories of. I remember coming in from playing on a snow day, and my mother handing me a bowl of their tomato soup, quickly warming me up so I could go play again.

But now that is all over. You see, this month, Campbell's has started selling Halal-Certified soups in Canada. As you all might know, Halal-certified means it's safe for Muslims to eat (it conforms will Halal Laws). Some suggest that Campbell's is bowing to Muslims and is in fact, an Islamo-fascist-supporting company. There are a few idiots on Facebook - at least 3,000 of them - that have formed a page about it, in fact.^[1] I think that's ridiculous, personally, and I have proof of why, too!

Long before Campbell's sold Halal-certified soup, they were selling Kosher soup. So, if anything, Campbell's is part of the vast Zionist conspiracy that we all know need to know about! But that's not even where it ends. If we're going to go by what they put in their soups as evidence of who they work for, let's take a look at the ingredients.

The one ingredient that is most-often found in their soups is SALT. Perhaps they work for salt manufacturers. Or worse yet, Campbell's is actually bent on killing off the world's population by feeding them high-sodium products, leading to circulation issues and heart conditions. Perhaps Halal and Kosher soup is only an attempt to reach a broader audience with their heart-disease-causing products.

Yeah, you fucking heard me: Campbell's is trying to kill us all through sodium consumption. They're in it with the fucking aliens - they're even building landing strips for the goddamn gay Martians!^[2]

So there you have it, folks. Soup Nazis: A fascist corporation bent on murdering billions of people through dietary means, so that they can have their master race of gay Martians. I swear to God Stuart, I saw it on the X-Files. We must stop them.

1. Anti-Campbell's Page
2. Admittedly, an obscure reference from a song.

That and This, These and Those

2010-09-27T17:43:00.003-04:00

No one knows. Not one person knows... Where to get your car's window tint metered.

It seems to me now that Maryland Safety Inspection is a bureaucratic nightmare of the worst kind. Nothing seems to be simple, and - as I wrote the other day - the laws don't even make sense some of the time.

The inspection station said to me, last week, "The window tint has to be removed or metered and passed by a State Trooper. You can go to any MVA to get that done."

I asked, "Any MVA, including the one right down the road that isn't full-service?"

"That one is fine," he informed me.

Only, it wasn't fine. As it turns out, there are no state troopers stationed there these days. So, that sucked. But alas, while I was there, I could ask them where I actually should go to get it done. Thankfully, the lady at the help desk provided me with an answer: ANY STATE POLICE BARRACKS!

Sweet!

And so I drove to the closest STATE POLICE BARRACKS (which isn't that close, mind you). I walked in, ready to get this shit done, and...

Nope, wrong place again. You see, they don't meter it there, they only inspect it to see if you've removed it all. The only people that can meter it are state troopers that work at the Bel Air MVA for the FIRST TWO HOURS of operation M-F, or all day long on random week days in Glen Burnie.

So, basically, it's nearly impossible for any normal person to get this done, and still a hassle for anybody else because you can spend a bunch of time wasting gas in the process. "Fuck it", I said, and we went to the task of removing it.

You know, it would've been a hell of a lot easier (to me, at least) if they had simply accepted being slimed and said "I don't know". Green slime is water-soluble, last time I checked!

It should also be noted that not only do none of these people know what the fuck they are talking about or where anything can get done, but they also actually HAND OUT INCORRECT/OUTDATED INFORMATION at the MVA. Seriously! I asked for a driver handbook, and they gave me one, complete with an insert which contained all of the rules and processes involved in getting and keeping a license. The date printing date in the book was 2003... And the laws on this shit drastically changed last fall!

Great job, Maryland. Great fucking job.

IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE! YOU MUST ACQUIT!

2010-09-21T21:11:00.007-04:00

Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense!

And if you think that does not make sense, wait until you read the rest of what I have to say!

My girlfriend and I recently purchased a car. We purchased it from a neighboring state and now have to go through the rigmarole of getting it "inspected". This isn't a huge problem, as the vehicle was and is well-maintained.

On the other hand, some of the nonsensical rules we've run in to are a slight problem. First off, we need to purchase a part (more on what it is in a minute) which is a dealer-only part. Normally, that would be fine - however, in our case, it is not. What could possibly go wrong? Well, they don't have any in the local FIVE STATE AREA, and had to order it from a Ford plant or a warehouse three states away. It'll be here two days from now. That's annoying, yes. But is it a reason to write a blog entry? Not really, especially since it doesn't exactly NOT make sense.

What DOESN'T make sense is what part it is: a fog lamp. Yes, we have to replace an OPTIONAL device to pass inspection. A majority of cars on the road in America - and even in my home state - don't have fog lamps/lights at all. However, since our car has them, we have to have them completely functional. But, oh folks, it gets better. Not only do they have to be functional if we have them, but since the car came with them, we HAVE TO HAVE THEM. You see, since the part couldn't easily be acquired, I inquired into whether or not I could just REMOVE THEM FROM THE CAR COMPLETELY. As it turns out, I CANNOT DO THAT.

Yes, a completely optional piece of equipment - because it was on the car when purchased (in another state mind you) - has to be on the car and be functional now. And yet, 75% or more of the cars on the road in this state DON'T EVEN FUCKING HAVE THE THING IN QUESTION.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE!

SO I THREW THE ROCK!

2010-09-15T20:51:00.007-04:00

Fueling up a vehicle isn't supposed to be difficult. Anybody that's driven (outside of the state of NJ, where it is illegal to do so) has likely pumped their own fuel before. It's not a difficult task, and it should never be made to be such. But tonight, it was. Tonight, I had no choice but to deal with the harsh reality of America: it is full of stupid, insecure people.

I'm gonna tell you a story about the last time I was in Parkville, Maryland.

I pulled up (to the house about 7 or 8?) to the gas station, and nobody else was there, from what I could tell: 8 empty pumps. Though, there was one car that seemed to be parking. Seeing that the pumps were empty, I pulled through to the front pump, so I could easily leave when I was finished. That was my first mistake.

As it turns out, the guy I thought was parking wasn't actually parking. You see, he was actually turning around so he could come pull back and pull up so his filling hole was on the correct side of the pump.

He pulled towards me, rapidly waving frantically for me to move back. I shrugged my shoulders and ignored him - there were 7 other empty pumped he could've pulled up to. He continued driving towards me, now beeping his horn - I thought he was going to hit the car. I moved back so he wouldn't run into me, but he continued his beeping and strange waving. I was thinking, "Wow, this guy is a real fucking asshole". So what did I do? I flipped him off. This was my second mistake.

You see, where and how I grew up, "the middle finger" isn't exactly a term of endearment, but it's also not a huge fucking deal. You get flipped off, and you flip the person off in return. It's not some strange manner of disrespect that you get really upset over, and you certainly don't want to fight anybody over it. But, apparently, where this guy is from (Virginia, according to his plate), none of that is true.

When he finally stopped his car, it was inches from my bumper - I guess it was a means of intimidation (or he really has no idea where his filling hole is). He quickly jumped out of the car - he looked like a typical Virginia white trash redneck: unbuttoned shirt, unkempt, missing teeth. He slammed his hands against the hood of my car. This didn't seem good at all. He ran around to the side and started banging on my window yelling "COME ON MOTHER FUCKER, YOU THINK YOU CAN GIVE ME THE FINGER AND GET AWAY WITH IT? NOBODY GIVES ME THE FINGER", like some kinda small-dicked, wannabe tough-guy.

I picked up my phone and said, "I can call the police if you think it will help".

His response to this was priceless. I kid-you-not, folks... He actually said "GO AHEAD AND CALL THEM, THEY'LL COME AFTER YOU."

Yes, the police would be arresting me for some reason. I guess giving people the finger is a felony now or something? I dunno.

He banged on my window once again and told me to get out and fight him. I rolled the window down. Suddenly, he didn't want violence anymore, he could've easily grabbed me or touched me through the window, but he didn't - he simply yelled some more about how I "started this whole fight by giving him the finger" or something.

He then kept saying "COME ON TOUGH GUY, GET OUT OF THE CAR. GET OUT NOW." I just laughed at him.

He continued his diatribe about how great he was and how terrible it was I gave him the finger, and how I should get out of the car. That's when I realized that this could be even more hilarious than it already was. I told him I didn't want to get out of the car because I thought he wanted to suck my cock or something. He started jumping up and down screaming like a two-year-old some more. I asked him how many cocks he sucked each weekend and how much he got paid for it. He continued jumping up and down like a baby, screaming about how much I was disrespecting him, and yelling about how he'd hurt me if I got out of the car. So, what did I do? I simply drove away with him still screaming.

I watched him in my rear-view mirror. He went back to the pump to pump gas, and it simply wasn't working. I guess the attendant shut it off because he seemed like a nutcase. Hilarious stuff, really.

I'm never getting gas there again.

And I thought to myself, "So this is Maryland... Tolerant Maryland."

Ray, is your guitar fixed yet?

We're living in the United States of Arab Emirates!

2010-08-10T10:27:00.003-04:00

New York City, New York, America, The Middle East - Muslims won approval to build a ~~mosque~~ community center near 9/11's Ground Zero.

That's the entire article right there. That's it. Just a location and a short sentence. You might be wondering what's with the location. Well, it's because America is apparently located in the Middle East. I mean, you could've fooled me and all, but William L. Engle of Maryland set us all straight.

Mr. Engle took some priceless time out of one of his precious days recently to write a scathing letter of disapproval to the Baltimore Sun about the proposed ~~mosque~~ community center. In the letter, he cited several examples of how much Muslims hate America... Muslims in the Middle East:

"I can clearly remember the video coverage coming in from many Muslim countries at the time. There were thousands of persons demonstrating in the streets of major and even small cities in many Islamic countries when the attack and its results were announced. This outpouring of glee over the success of the terrible massacre of thousands of innocents still lingers in my mind. I cannot forget the images of that day."

and

"It is a travesty to imply that there is only a tiny group of Muslims that wish to harm our country and its citizens. There are thousands in the Mideast that believe that we should be attacked."^[1]

Whaaaaat? Apparently, time and space have no meaning and we are all now living in THE MIDDLE EAST. Ladies, get your burqas out, and men, get your stones ready for when your girlfriend ~~cheats on you~~ talks to another man in public; we're living in the United States of the Middle East!^[2]

Sharia law is now part of The Constitution and you'd better figure out which way is East!^[3]

1. Source
2. It does explain the heat wave a few weeks ago.
3. Hint: It's the direction the sun comes up in.

Immigrants? I'm sick of them.

2010-08-09T13:10:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of having things written two different ways.

I'm sick of not being able to understand the people around me.

I'm sick of their accents and their funny language.

The illegal immigrants have to go. I live in upstate New York and it is a goddamned pandemic up here. They cross the border seeking our private healthcare system, which is far better than their socialist system - and then they stay. They pass for locals because of their skin, at face value, so the cops never question them. But these Canadian immigrants are taking the jobs that high schoolers in my area traditionally have - a lot of them are waiters at local restaurants and gas station attendants. Some lucky ones get jobs as teachers. I can't even understand a lot of them when trying to order food at Chili's. I just don't get why so many Americans, especially in my area, tolerate them. I guess it's because they're polite? I dunno.

It's fun to laugh at that... Y-M-C-A! It's fun to laugh at that... Y-M-C-A-A!

2010-07-21T11:31:00.004-04:00

Of all the things that could encourage teens to become pregnant, I never thought it was the clothing. But, I was wrong, according to some. The store "Forever 21" is apparently huge contributor to the teen pregnancy problem - or so sayeth The Y:

A staffer from the San Jose YMCA (now going by just "Y") says young girls seeing all this cute, chic attire will encourage them to get pregnant so they can wear the clothes. The Y says launching the line in the highest rate states could not be unintentional, especially since the line is opening next week in Nevada, another state that ranks high.^[1]

Yes, according to the experts at the YMCA, it's the clothing that makes teens get pregnant! Didn't you guys know this? I mean, that makes perfect sense! I can't even count know how many girls I dated in high school who said things like, "I just wish I could find some cute maternity clothing, then I could stop taking my birth control pills and become pregnant!"

Personally, I was relieved all through high school that there were no cute maternity clothes for younger folks, as it protected me from ever becoming a father. Unfortunately, this generation of high school boys won't be so lucky.

Fuck you, Forever 21! FUCK YOU!

1. Source

You get a two-for-one deal today, because it's just too hilarious to turn my nose up at this second one.

2010-07-20T15:51:00.004-04:00

A guy obsessed with using buzzwords - like socialism - made a poster and posted it on flickr. It's clearly political in nature, and no matter what side of the aisle you are on, it's easy to see where the poster goes wrong:^[1]

In case, for some reason, you missed the immense hypocrisy in the poster (like the author obviously did), it's steeped in the fact that it portrays the left and Obama supporters as Nazis, then goes on to say that it's WRONG of those people to call the right fascists.

Well, you see the hypocrisy of this "artist"^[2] doesn't stop there, either! I commented on the particular work, asking about the ironic and hypocritical nature of calling one group nazis while complaining about that group calling another fascists. The comment was deleted and he is now "blocking" me, according to flickr. I'm sure you can all read, so you can get an extra little laugh out of the fact that his poster talks about silencing the opposition and how bad it is of the left to do that. And what does he do? The exact same thing.

Now, the odd thing here is this: Even though it's me, I was actually really polite to him. I didn't use any insulting language or anything of that sort - I simply asked a question, stating that I found it "odd" that the poster made a confusing point. Yet, he felt the need to remove my comment. Talk about silencing dissent!

1. Click on the image to see the original.
2. Joke from previous entry.

I went looking for "idiots" but I couldn't find "idiots"...

2010-07-20T15:36:00.002-04:00

I went looking for "idiots" but I couldn't find "idiots", but I did find plenty of stupid people. To be completely honest, I don't really know what the quotation marks back there mean, but I'm sure it's my way of being quirky or something. Perhaps I'm implying that the people aren't idiots, but I was looking for them, thinking they might be idiots. Perhaps it means idiots is too nice of a word for them? I'm really not sure. What I am sure of, however, is where this little bit stems from someone named "Lydia22":^[1]

Thank you for posting this. When my husband originally looked for the "artist", he couldn't find the "artist".

Seeing that this picture is everywhere, the illuminati occult must be behind it. I'm relieved that my children will NOT be in public school anymore. Now I know why God told Lot to leave to the mountains! ^[2]

The artist in question is named Ursula Vernon. Why she is an "artist", I'm not really sure. Perhaps she doesn't fit the definition of art in the minds of the idiots posting this trash. Perhaps their (likely small-minded) world view only encompasses "fine art".^[3]

You see, you might think I'm jumping to conclusions here, but if you read the page that I link to below (the source for Lydia22's quote), you'll see that the people there are "smart".^[4] It's an entire forum of folks waiting for Jesus to come get them, and this time, they're angry that Ursula Vernon made a poster for summer reading programs, and that the poster contains a horned something-or-other coming out of the water. Obviously, this is the workings of the Illuminati and their occult love!

THEY'RE TRYIN' TA BRAINWASH THE CHILDRUNS!

They ramble on and on about occult nonsense, insult her abilities as an artist, and even post a picture of her, mocking her appearance. Man, how very Christian of them!

1. Literal quotation marks.
2. Source
3. Mocking of the term encouraged, as the quotation marks could imply.
4. Again, mocking of the term encouraged, as the quotation marks could imply.

GOP Pee Wee

2010-06-30T23:30:00.009-04:00

It has come to my attention, by chance and modern events, that my most cherished childhood TV star is a card-carrying member of the Republican Party of the United States. I am, of course, speaking of the highly esteemed, lovable goofball, Pee Wee Herman!

No, I don't mean Paul Reubens. I'm not sure of his political affiliation, and I am not really concerned about it, either. However, the character, Pee Wee Herman, is a dyed-in-red "Red Stater"... There is no doubt in my mind!

I'm sure that by now, you're all wondering how I came to this conclusion. It's simple, really. Pee Wee's most used catchphrase is being used by the Republicans. Obviously, they learned this phrase by association. And, just what phrase is it that I'm speaking of? Well, everybody's favorite childish comeback, "I know you are, but what am I?".

Today, after President Obama criticized the GOP today for their attempts to block a Wall Street reform bill, claiming that they're "out of touch" with the American public, the Republican leader in the House of Representatives pulled out a good ol', "I know you are, but what am I?" statement in response:

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) fired back at the White House Wednesday, arguing that "they're the ones who are out of touch" with the American people while defending his critique of the financial regulatory reform bill as excessive regulation.^[1]

Is that the best a leading member of Congress can do? A comeback I used when I was five? I'd act all shocked and the like, but at this point, I'm not really that shocked about it!

Right about now, you're all thinking I'm crazy. However, folks, the things Pee Wee has in common with Republicans don't just end there! If memory serves me correctly, Dick Cheney's entire reason behind hiding from the public during his tenure as Vice President was due to the fact that he was a loner and a rebel. I also vaguely recall learning in history class that Ronald Reagan often ate Mr. T cereal and talked to his pancakes.

Sure, sure, perhaps this is all just conjecture based on pure coincidence, folks. But I'm a believer, so I'll leave you with this: Somebody had to teach Tucker Carlson to proudly wear that bow tie with style and pizazz!

1. Source

I'm down with boycotting BP... But I'm not down with being a complete moron about it.

2010-06-24T17:00:00.004-04:00

I'm totally down with boycotting BP. I will not buy gas from places that sell their fuel. Sure, it hurts local business owners - but they could also do as many others have done, and opt out of their contract. It's not typically hard to get out of a contract when the company you buy from ruins the corporate image the way they have. It'd be easy to claim that the BP brand is completely responsible for a loss/drop in sales, and that therefore, they have to immediately breach the contract without any punishment. So, you know what? I don't care if people lose money over it, because they could get out if they tried. Though, I digress, as that is not what this is about.

This particular entry is, in fact, about how stupid people are getting over this BP boycott. Over on Facebook, there is the group (which I've mentioned before), Boycott BP. I support this group and the message of it. I do not, however, support the ideas of many of the people there, or some of the ideas the group's creator has. Particularly, today's bitch-fest about Ford Motor Company.

Apparently, an unbeknownst to me, FMC is in a partnership with BP. Due to this partnership, their gas caps have been manufactured to read, "Ford recommends BP Fuel." Okay, so that kinda sucks these days, I suppose, but whatever. As we all know, it would take a lot of work to change it over, and it probably doesn't matter because you don't have to follow that recommendation, and nobody will see it anyway. So, in the end, it's a gas cap, and it suggests you do something which you, in fact, do not have to do; in addition, does not advertise to anybody (because they can't see it). You'd think that it wouldn't be a huge deal, then, right?

WRONG!

Cue... Lindsey Morrow:

I have sent multiply emails requesting a new gas cap and finally sent one last one at noon today telling them that I was going to trade my car just because of this issue unless they were willing to replace it. I mentioned this a couple weeks ago on your wall as another one to add to your list to boycott. Ford is about to lose one of their customers over not responding to my emails. I thought maybe I would just send one email every hour every day until they answer but it may just be easier to trade the damn car go with something Foreign. Just goes to show how FORD respects their customers wishes.

Good luck, there, Lindsey. I'm certain that the #1 automaker in the world is going to care that a whiny bitch that complains about something so pointless is no longer their customer. Who loses out here? Not them, as you've already purchased the car - you're the one who is trading it in and losing some value on it. Sure, maybe you won't buy another car from them, but that's your loss, too, as recent surveys put them near the top in both value and quality. Again, that's not really something they care about. They're the #1 automaker in the world, Ms. Morrow, and for good reason. They don't have time to worry about your petty complaint about a fucking gas cap, and they're not going to replace it. Do you know why? They're not going to replace it because it's not broken, and it really is such a huge fuck-all deal to you, you could go to the local Walmart, pick up some black paint and paint over it YOUR GODDAMN SELF.^[1]

As a side note, I did reply on the page with something similar, even using "fucking gas cap" as part of what I wrote. This led to me being harassed by another woman, who told me that I should "watch my language"... Y'know, because there are children present.

WTF are children doing on Facebook?

1. Alternately, you could buy a replacement cap from an aftermarket parts store, and it would not likely have the BP logo on it.

The Karate Kid

2010-06-16T14:38:00.006-04:00

"The Karate Kid" remake came out this weekend. I didn't see it, because I know it's going to suck. And do you know why it's going to suck? Because it's not faithful to the original. By casting an African American kid in it instead of a white teenager, you ruin the entire story. Race and age were so integral to the original movie, last time I checked!

Oh, no... No they weren't.

You see, I'm not really sure why I keep seeing fucking idiots on the internet making a huge fucking deal about it. You know what? It's not a big deal.^[1]

Race wasn't an issue at all in the story, I don't think - he was a white American kid being picked on by white American kids. If race were actually a factor, at all, it was the interaction and cultural differences between him and his Japanese mentor, Mr. Miyagi. That dichotomy still exists between and African American and his Chinese mentor.

Age was also not an issue, I don't believe. He was a teenager being bullied. Kids also get bullied. Anybody can be bullied, so it doesn't FUCKING MATTER.

The only real problem with the changes in this movie is that the mentor is now Chinese and is instructing his student in a Chinese martial art, Kung Fu, yet the movie still has "Karate" in the title.

But, you see, a lot of idiots really seem to believe that these changes a big deal. In fact, they believe it so much that one of them felt the need to inform me, via Facebook, that "a lot of people agree with her". Yep, because a lot of people agree with her, it apparently makes her correct. A lot of Catholics believed in the Crusades. A lot of people watch American Idol. Hell, from reading history books, I get the general idea that Germans agreed with Hitler, even!

But, I digress...

In short: Shut the fuck up. It doesn't matter what color the skin of the actor is, nor how old he is. What matters is whether or not it's a good movie... And I really don't care to find that out for $10.

1. Though, I am going to guess that it's because stupid, small-minded people will find any reason to whine about something.

Where do they come from?

2010-06-15T09:34:00.004-04:00

An Asylum.com article informed me about "OpenBook", a website that displays public Facebook statuses. It's a completely searchable website - just type in what you're searching for at the top, and you'll get results.

While reading the article, it mentioned that you can easily search for racism on the site, even mentioning a woman's racist rant against Obama. Curiousity struck and I took the initiative to search for it myself. I typed in "Obama" and "nigger", and was shown a veritable buffet of complete batshit idiocy, racism, and people who have no idea what is going on in the world today.

And, here are some examples:

Veronica Garcia: If Obama fixes the oil leak will they call it a nigger rigg. j/k
8 hours ago Roswell, New Mexico

Sorry, Veronica, I seriously doubt there is a "just kidding" clause in the rules of using the n-word.

Meghan Marie obama is a piece of nigger muslim shit who ever voted for his nigger ass burn for all eternity!
13 hours ago via Mobile Web Douglas, Massachusetts

She then goes on to continue it in the comments. When someone calls her "ignorant" she continuously says "Nigger means ignorant" and that Obama is therefore, "a nigger", because he is a "shitfuck of a president".

Koltyn Irvin Ok so i was just informed that if u cal a nigger NIGGER thats a felony,prety fuckd up, some kind of hate crime. . bt if a nigger calls a whitey a cracker then thats okay. some nigger president we got,thanx obama
14 hours ago via Mobile Web

Someone forgot to tell me when hate crime laws were changed to include speech and words. And actually, if they ever did actually do that, I can't imagine it'd be a FUCKING FELONY.

Gregory Allen Alexander I HEARD BLACK HOLE IS NOW OGGICIALLY RACIST TALK - I WONDER IG OBAMA WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ME PICK DIXIE ON MY NEW NIGGER GUITAR ?
16 hours ago Millersburg, Kentucky

What? First off, no, it's not. The NAACP got completely batshit insane over a fucking graduation card. The NAACP doesn't make laws or rules or state what is "officially" (I think that's what this idiot meant to type, anyway) "racist talk".

Where in the fuck do these people get their information? Do I need to watch Fox News more often or something?

Derek Jordan Gotta go to the fucking doctor n the morning. I blame Obama for my knee infection. If we would have been hard at work it wouldn't of had time to set up infection. I hate that fuckin nigger

I'm not sure how Obama is responsible for this guy working or not working, to be honest. But even if he were, I somehow don't see how he's responsible for an infection. Derek Jordan, go fuck yourself.

Gaige Lee Fendenheim dude this oil spil is fucking up are sea and the fucking goverment is doing muthafucking nothing 2 stop it thay jst fucked it up more and what is fucking nigger obama doing 2 stop this shit dude it jst pissing pepl off more thay need 2 get off there fucking ass and get da muthafucking job done yall shit bag lazy fuckhead pussyfuck asshole its jst muthafucking razy 4 real dog it fucked up
1 day ago Starke, Florida

It's not their job to fix it. The people who caused it should fix it. I believe if they tried to fix it, the conservatives would probably just complain about "big government" and how it's "interfering with [big] business".

So there we have it, a pile of uneducated, confused, [seemingly] illiterate people. That's racism, in a nutshell, in America.

BP's tricks and traps.

2010-06-08T16:58:00.004-04:00

Of course, BP won't go down without a fight. They'll fight negative campaigns with positive ones, and they'll try to instigate the naysayers to rioting or worse.

They'll hire instigators and infiltrators, and trolls. And they have.

Cue: Facebook user Charlotte Goodman

As you can see, her page is completely private, other than the "About Me" section, which only lists her gender. Why would that be? Why have such little information?

In the group, Boycott BP, she has argued against a lot of what people have said, insulted users, and even gone on to say that the group is "full of rednecks". I have yet to see her participate, in any way, in an actual discussion. At this point, it's hard to believe that Sse can be anything other than a pathetic attempt by someone (coughBPcough) to discredit a growing movement of unhappy anti-BP gasoline buyers.

Fuck you, BP, we see through your shit.

Spell sensibly? Well, okay.

2010-06-04T16:15:00.004-04:00

That's what members of "The American Literacy Council" and "The London-based Spelling Society" want. Their sensible spellings? "Fruit" will now be written as "froot". Why? Because spelling phonetically makes things easier on kids and stuff. And fuck, the gods know that the kids need it easier these days!

Some protesters held signs with pique phrases scrawled across them, such as, "Spell sensibly and everybody wins". Well, everybody except the folks on the right, who are still losers.

I'm the first to admit that I'm a rabid spelling ~~nazi~~ ~~fascist~~ ~~secret police~~ ~~gestapo member~~ enthusiast. And I'm also the first to admit that my political leanings often are of the type that lead towards socialism. However, this sorta "spelling socialism" that these groups are proposing is simply FUCKING PREPOSTEROUS.

First off, "fruit" is spelled that way because it's related to "fruition". If they want sensible spellings, then they have one right there!

Secondly, I can't even begin to imagine how much work this would be. There is no way in hell this would work out. If they were to, say, change the spellings of a lot of words today, I doubt a lot of people could cope.

They'd either have to force everybody to relearn the spelling of words, which would be amazingly difficult, or they'd have to simply teach the new spellings to the next generation. There are problems with either method.

In the first method proposed above, millions of educators (and other adults who are responsible for setting good examples for ours kids) will have to definitively not only learn the new spellings, but utilize them 100% of the time so as to not confuse the children. As for the second, well, it eliminates the problem of adults re-learning what they've known for years. However, the problem then is, as follows: When I'm in my late 50s and I'm working with young twenty-somethings, how will we communicate through e-mail (or whatever it is called in the future)? How can we write at all?

Spelling isn't hard. I know that all tests and records show that I'm a genius, and so perhaps it comes easy for me. But do you know what? I've known plenty of stupid people (not those devoid of common sense, even - just actual STUPID people) and they had no problem at all spelling "fruit".

Some people have too much time on their hands. I'm probably one of them... But I think I at least invest it better than folks protesting spelling bees.

1. Source

Violating proper procedure after a motor vehicle accident.

2010-06-03T15:54:00.004-04:00

Several months ago, as some of you might know, my poor truck was struck (and destroyed) while parked. The driver responsible for this didn't get too far after hitting it, as his tie rod end broke, and his wheel basically fell off. So, that's the good news.

The bad news, however, is that this man, a Mr. D Hastings, did not follow proper Baltimore procedure after the accident. As I approached my truck, he walked up to me and apologized profusely, trying to explain himself. He then reached into his wallet and pulled out his insurance card, which is subsequently handed to me.

I wrote down the information from the card, and handed it back to him. When I did so, he apologized again and told me that he'd inform his insurance company, because he was definitely at fault.

In the end, his insurance company, having been notified, took responsibility, and paid a sum of a few thousand dollars to my insurance company.

Well, that sounds easy, doesn't it? And it was!

However, that's not proper post-accident procedure in Baltimore. Apparently, legally, you are required to ditch the vehicle responsible, come back with some friends, and beat the shit out of the victim of the accident:

The driver of a dirt bike plowed through a red light at a West Baltimore intersection Wednesday and broadsided a red sedan, but the most serious injuries suffered by the car's driver didn't come from the crash, according to city police.

A department spokesman said a passenger on the dirt bike quickly hid the cycle in an alley and then returned with friends who beat up the car's driver so severely that he had to be rushed to Maryland Shock Trauma Center, police said.^[1]

So that's what it's come to, apparently!

"Dirt Bikers" in Baltimore are a serious hazard. I've only witnessed a gang of them twice in my life, but both times, they were driving dangerously, zig-zagging across the road (and across the median into on-coming traffic: I kid you not). They'd also randomly jump the curb and ride on the sidewalk. They seemed like an organized gang of transportation menaces. Hell, they were so organized, they even seemingly had some sort-of leader with them.^[2]

What can be done about this? Well, so far, nothing. The police refuse to give chase because the rider might be put at risk. Well, who cares? They're breaking the law and putting people at risk a lot of the time. Several people have died over the years thanks to marauding gangs of dirt bike-riders. I imagine plenty more were injured. Let the riders be the ones to die or be injured when the police give chase.

You know what? Maybe the police need dirt bikes - they're never going to catch them on a Segway...

1. Source>
2. You could tell who he was because he was riding an ATV and not a dirt bike.

I've finally found the value in Noneism.

2010-06-02T18:38:00.005-04:00

Noneism is a philosophy - specifically applicable to metaphysics - that some things simply don't exist. Those things that don't exist can have words to describe them, though, so that we can discuss their non-existence.

It's a confusing way to put it, but it's the best I can do without writing several paragraphs. I, your humble narrator, would most dutifully be of service service by linking you to the Wikipedia page if it were any better. But since it's not, I won't.^[1]

I digress, however, as I'm quite possibly rambling on about the meaning of the word and not actually describing how it is a valuable asset to today's world. You see, friends,^[2] Noneism exists in our modern masterpiece of life in the simple form of the term "One-Hour Photo".

"One-Hour Photo" is simply a metaphysical theory, and not a wholly significant, real thing. We give it existence by giving it a term. There is no tangible evidence of actual "One-Hour Photo" in this world, and there likely will never be one. I have no choice bu to postulate, after collecting a lot of evidence, that it simply does not exist, and that it likely never did.

Now, some people might claim that it did, and that they've used it before. But can they prove this? Is there documented evidence of such? Perhaps are they simply straying down the path of Absurdism.^[3]

Again, I feel as though I've strayed from the actual purpose of this entry, and so I shall not get right down to the point:

This weekend, I took a trip with my lovely girlfriend. We visited her hometown, a small town in Pennsylvania. Being that this town is a tiny, historical villa, I decided that some photography would be in the works. Now, I can develop black & white film (and make prints) on my own - I have the facilities for it - but color is out of the realm of possibilities for me at this time. Well, this was my mistake. Film is becoming obsolete, as we all know.^[4] And, because film is becoming, film developing labs are becoming obsolete. The first victims in this war against traditional photography seem to be the mythical "One-Hour Photo" locations.^[5]

The local Walmart, a place I mostly despise, advertises "One-Hour Photo", and some people have even claimed to have utilized it before! However, when I arrived, there was a sign informing me that it was not at all possible to get such a service performed. So, one place down, plenty of more to go, right?

Wrong.

I traveled to the next closest Walmart, which informed me that their machine was sold merely two weeks ago, because film is "becoming obsolete". Well, fine, that's just fine. I know it is, but it hasn't stopped me in the past. However, it seems to be this time. But, I digress...

The lady who informed me of the sale of their machine also told me that I could go "next door", to the Sam's Club (also owned by the evil Empire of Walmart), and get it done there. I did exactly as she asked. I walked to the next building, entered, and asked the girl at the door where their photo desk was. And... No luck!

"Sorry, sir, photo is closed today," she informed me.

Right, so I'll go to the place I bought the fucking film: Target.

Target also did not have "One-Hour Photo", or even a service to SEND IT OUT. THEY'RE ONE OF THE FEW PLACES SELLING FILM... BUT YOU CAN'T GET IT PROCESSED THERE!

Finally, against my better judgment (and a stern warning by a friend), I went to Rite Aid. The local Rite Aid has "1-Hour Photo" on their awning, so it seemed perfect!

I entered the store and quickly found the photo desk. Above the desk was "ONE HOUR PHOTO" in giant fucking yellow letters on a blue background. I seem to have been in luck!

I quickly made my way to the afforementioned photo desk, which was unstaffed. I looked at the envelopes. There were two different ones: "One Hour Service" and "Out Lab Service".

I picked up the "One Hour Service" envelope, filled it out, put my film in it and put it in the slot. Success!

Or was it?

I went back today, hoping that my film would be done (afterall, I dropped it off over twenty hours ago). And, as you might've expected, it wasn't done.

"Sir, we don't have one hour photo anymore. We ship everything away," the cashier told me.

I looked at her, keenly, and replied, "But it says `one hour photo` several places in your store, and there were envelopes that said it, too."

"Sir, as you can see, there are no envelopes in the `One Hour Service` bin. This is because we no longer offer it," she said to me, as if I was a fucking illiterate moron or something.

"Well, there were several last night. I should know, since I filled one of them out," I retorted.

She tried once again to make excuses for the store's stupidity, "Well, sir, maybe there were, maybe there weren't, but the bin is empty as is the drop-off bin, which means that the guy took them to the lab today. Come back in 3-4 days. I'd say try back on Monday."

In the end, one cannot be sure of the existence of such an abstract concept as "One-Hour Photo". However, I believe I'm demonstrably shown that there is little chance of its actual existence... Kinda like God.

1. Even though I did.
2. Romans? Countrymen?
3. Another, related philosophical movement of the 20th century.
4. And as a Walmart employee extraneously informed me.
5. Which I still don't believe existed to begin with.

Opening up the military to Christians is a mistake!

2010-06-01T18:24:00.004-04:00

Some people think allowing open Christianity in the military means nothing more than opening a door that was previously closed. It means much more than that. It would mean simultaneously ushering out the back door anyone who is disapproved of by "Christian" conduct, whether because of legitimate privacy and mental health concerns or because of moral or lifestyle choices.

This outcome is almost inevitable, because pro-Christian activists have made it clear that merely lifting the “ban” on openly Christian military personnel will not satisfy them.

The stand-alone bills that have been introduced to overturn the 1993 law, such as S. 3065, call explicitly for:

Revision of all equal opportunity and human relations regulations, directives, and instructions to add sexual orientation nondiscrimination to the Department of Defense Equal Opportunity policy and to related human relations training programs.

While not in the defense authorization bill amendment approved by the House of Representatives and a Senate committee last week, this goal will undoubtedly be accomplished administratively as part of the “necessary policies and regulations” mandated by that amendment.

This means that all 1.4 million members of the U.S. military will be subject to sensitivity training intended to indoctrinate them into the myths of the Christian movement: that Jesus said some stuff about accepting everybody, no matter who they are (this includes sinners).

Anyone who points to the mountain of evidence to the contrary (and there is an awful lot) - or merely expresses the personal conviction that consenting adults should be able to make their own life choices - runs the risk of receiving a negative performance evaluation for failing to support the military’s “equal opportunity policy” regarding “religious tolerance.”

For no other offense than disbelieving what a few short-sighted members of the not-so-great monotheistic religions have believed for all of history - 6000 years according to them, but many, many, many more according to actual smart people - some service members will be denied promotion, will be forced out of the service altogether, or will simply choose not to reenlist. Other citizens will choose not to join the military in the first place. The numbers lost will dwarf the numbers gained by opening the ranks to practicing Christians.

This pro-Christian political correctness has already begun to infect the military.

As a homosexual and a Marine Corps veteran, I was invited to speak at a gay pride event at Andrews Air Force Base earlier this year. I had every intention of delivering a sexual message, not a political one.

But the invitation was withdrawn after I criticized Former President Dubya’s call to open the military to Christianity in his State of the Union address. The base commander told me they had received some complaints - about a dozen. I pointed out that orchestrating a handful of calls was a simple task for Christian activist groups.

If I was blacklisted merely for supporting existing law, what will happen to those who oppose the new, politically correct law?

Those most likely to suffer are the homosexuals, the polyamorous, the atheists, and the agnostics. While some in the ranks will simply choose not to exercise their First Amendment rights in order to preserve their careers, this is not an option for these people. Their entire lifestyle is contrary to the ridiculous faux moral and theological teachings of the Christian faith.

But under the new regulations, will they be free to ignore preaching from the Bible? Or will they be forced to endure the many passages declaring certain conduct to be a sin?^[1]

Really, though, the satire is over, for now. I don't see how what I wrote is any different than what "Tony Perkins" wrote over at CNN. He has an opinion: that people like him have a right to discriminate and hate people as much as they want. However, he feels like those "rights" are being threatened, and that he himself will be discriminated against and hated. Well, if that's not a ridiculous double-standard, I don't know what is.

Mr. Perkins confuses me. He seems, somehow to think that religious liberty is synonymous with hating people. I'm not sure where this came from, but I have my guesses. To borrow a page from my most hated enemy, Glenn Beck; Maybe Perkins is gay. Can we prove he's not actually a homosexual? Can we prove that he's not in the closet and embarrassed about it? What evidence is there to disprove it? Now, I'm not saying that he is for a fact, a homosexual. But, I am wondering if he could prove that he isn't one. You know, just for the record...

1. Enduring a reading from the Bible is bad enough as it is. That book's a pile of shit!
2. Source

If you get caught in a lie and your life is ruined, who should you blame?

2010-05-19T15:35:00.004-04:00

The person with the most money, of course!

Five Steps to Financial Gain:

1. Get married.

2. Have an affair.

3. Have your spouse found out through no fault of your own.

4. Lose your job because of it.

5. Look over who you can blame, and pick the entity with the most money.

With these five steps, you could be $600,000 richer soon!

Take the case of Gabriella Nagy, a lady in Ontario, Canada:^[1]

"I had a brief affair -- it was very short-lived, a few weeks," Gabriella Nagy told CTV News. "I did not need to lose everything. I am at a point that there's no turning back. Everything that I held dear -- especially my job -- is gone."

...

Nagy had a cellphone account with Rogers in 2007, in which a monthly bill was sent to her home address in her maiden name. Her husband, who is not named in the statement of claim, had the family's cable and TV bill under his name.

In June of 2007, he called to add Internet and home phone services and the following month Rogers sent a "global" bill to the home address, including the itemized phone bill for Nagy's cellphone.

The husband saw several long phone calls to a single phone number, and called the number, and a "third party" revealed an affair on the part of Nagy, the woman told the Star.^[2]

As you see, right there, she's more than adequately completed steps 1-3. And, luckily for us, she quickly moved on to step 4:

She says she was so upset about her marriage falling apart that her work performance suffered, leading her to lose her job as an apartment rental agent that paid nearly $100,000 a year.

After losing her job because she couldn't handle her husband leaving her - which was completely her fault for having an affair - she did the only logical thing possible. Like my steps show, she went over in her head who could be blamed. After going over it for awhile, it came to her: the only logical conclusion is the entity that had the most money. So, she went on to sue the cable company, whose simple fuck-up exposed her infidelity:

A 37-year-old Toronto woman is suing telecom giant Rogers Communications for $600,000, alleging the company's billing practices revealed her infidelity, leading her husband to leave her.

Nagy filed a statement of claim alleging an invasion of privacy and breach of contract on Roger's part in an Ontario court.

And the sad part is, when I posted about this elsewhere, people said it was slut shaming to insult her, and went on to defend her. I mean, I know the world is pretty devoid of common sense at times, but... REALLY?

1. Yes, Canada is an actual place!
2. Source

MLK's I Have a Dream Speech - Amended for the Texas Schoolboard

2010-05-18T11:35:00.005-04:00

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for ~~freedom~~ unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a ~~great American~~ left-wing, states'-rights-hating pinko, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro ~~slaves~~ Atlantic Triangle Trade objects that had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled ~~by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination~~. One hundred years later, the Negro lives ~~on a lonely island of poverty~~ in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity, he just chooses to not go after it. ~~One hundred years later, the Negro is still languishing in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land.~~ So we have come here today to ~~dramatize a shameful condition~~ the freedoms granted to us by this great nation.

In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic - with the help of God - wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

It is obvious today that black America has defaulted on this promissory note ~~insofar as her citizens of color are concerned~~ by not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. ~~Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."~~ But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. So we have come to cash this check — a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice. We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of ~~democracy~~ constitutional republics. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quick sands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

...

I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day ~~this nation~~ my people will rise up and live out the true meaning of ~~its~~ this nation's creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." And they will pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former ~~slaves~~ objects of the Atlantic Triangle Trade and the sons of former ~~slave owners~~ Atlantic Triangle Trade participants will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, ~~with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification~~ beautiful scenery; one day right there in Alabama, little black ~~boys and black girls~~ kids will be able to join hands with little white ~~boys and white girls~~ kids as ~~sisters and brothers~~ friends.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

1. Source
2. Source

Facts are facts... And Sarah Palin still doesn't know what they are.

2010-05-18T00:53:00.006-04:00

Giving a speech at what was pretty much a Tea Party rally - you know, the folks that claim to be for smaller government - Sarah Palin talked about abortion and how it should be limited by the government. Yeah, I know, that makes a lot of sense: a group that is for smaller government is totally in to the idea that the government should be involved in someone's personal medical decisions. Right!

But that's really not what this specific entry is about, because I think we all already know that they're only for "limited government" when it applies to things they don't like: taxes, guns, and social programs. What this is about, however, is that Sarah Palin is a believer. Yes, Sarah Palin is a believer - she believes things. She believes so strongly in things that she doesn't bother to let pesky things like "facts" and "truth" get in her way. If she were to listen to reason (like the guy on the left), she'd have to acknowledge that facts actually contradict her words, and then she'd have less ground to stand on (is that even possible?) when making her blatantly stupid speeches filled with nonsensical rhetoric!

Palin used a speech to the Susan B. Anthony List to remind activists why they rallied behind the Republican ticket and why they should work to stop Obama's agenda.

She said Obama is "the most pro-abortion president ever to occupy the White House" and asserted that the historic health care reform law would fund abortions.^[1]

And... NO, sort-of. It won't pay for elective abortions:

In fact, Obama's health care law would not allow federal dollars to pay for elective abortions. Roman Catholic hospitals and organizations of Catholic nuns backed the measure. U.S. Catholic bishops and major anti-abortion groups opposed it, arguing that federal dollars could end up paying for abortions.

So, if she still has a complaint about the healthcare ~~bill~~ law, then she's basically saying, "Hey, I want women who have dangerous pregnancy complications to fucking die if they can't pay for the procedure!"

Gosh, she's a fantastic female role-model! To be honest, I don't - at all - understand why my girlfriend seems to despise her so much.

1. Source

Seattle: A city of progressive politics

2010-05-10T11:10:00.006-04:00

Or is it abusive policing? I'm confused today.

(May 8) -- A Seattle police officer offered a tearful apology after being caught on camera kicking an innocent man and using a racial epithet.

The video shows a group of officers standing around three men who are lying on the ground. Seattle Police Detective Shandy Cobane shouts, "I'm going to beat the [expletive] Mexican [expletive] out of you homey! You feel me?"

Cobane later kicks the man in the head and another cop kicks him in the hand.^[1]

Wow. I sure hope they had the right guy. I hope this guy did something wrong. Not that it's right to abuse people even if they did something wrong, really, I just really hope they weren't abusing an innocent guy for no reason at all.

And... Dammit! They were:

The man attacked was not involved in the robbery. After officers let him go, the freelance videographer asked the unidentified man why he had been beaten.

"I don't know. They knocked me down and kicked me in the head," he responded.

But hey, I know that sounds bad and all, but you can rest easily tonight, even if you live in Seattle. I know you're thinking "How?", right? Well, don't you worry, because the officer in question apologized for his hurtful words:^[2]

The detective sobbed as he gave a news conference on Friday to apologize to the Latino community, his colleagues and the city of Seattle, The Seattle Times reported.
Watch more YouTube videos on AOL Video

"I know my words cut deep and were very hurtful," Cobane said. "Please know that I am truly, truly sorry."

Now I know of one more city I'm never going to! I mean, I already felt that I probably wouldn't ever want to go there - it spawned years of bad music and it rains a lot - but this incident just reinforces my negative opinion of it. Thanks for helping me forge my opinions, Detective Cobane... You're a real trooper.

1. Source - complete with a video of the incident, so you can see how much of a bullshit thing this was
2. But not for kicking a person in the head for no reason. *facepalm*

Not happy with the air quality? Then just move!

2010-05-06T12:47:00.005-04:00

It's that simple, folks. If you have asthma and you live in Los Angeles, you should just move. It's a simple choice to make and stuff!

At least, that's what marinerjack, a poster at cnn.com, thinks.

marinerjack
RTS- what risks are we "exposing ourselves to". Because I personally dont willfully expose myself to anything risky to my health. Dont smoke, I drink organic dairy, meat, fruits, vegetables. I live in a part of the country where we have very clean air. The only risks that you're exposing yourself to is due to your own choices. If one lives in LA where asthma is prevalent, you can move. Its a matter of choice.^[1]

Now here's a special snowflake! This is a guy that can afford to eat organic stuff (it's not cheap), and thinks everybody else should, too!

This entire thing wreaks of hardcore classism. This idiot can afford to eat all organic crap and lives somewhere with clean air - which I'm gonna guess that's probably somewhere that costs a bit of money to live. And, on top of that, they say it's a choice to expose yourself to stuff! Totally a choice!

But that's not at all reasonable. Can people born in LA who live paycheck-to-paycheck really afford to just... Move? No, of course they fucking can't. To think that is absurd. The answer isn't that people should move from places - those places should seek improvement.^[2]

Just as people who don't have a lot of money and get stuck with dirty water shouldn't just move - because they can't. They should seek a way to improve where they already live.

I take issue with anybody that thinks you can just up and "move" if your environment isn't clean. It's not an issue of choice for most people in Los Angeles. And if this guy thinks it is, he is a clear danger to not only himself, but to society. I wish I could remember the number to Sheppard Pratt...

Marinerjack, please go drown at sea.

1. It's hard to actually link to CNN.com's comments section, so here is a screen cap.
2. It reminds me of this time this dude posted about how much he hated WalMart and how he hated anybody that shopped there. I asked him why he would hate people for having no choice (as some areas of the country have nothing but a WalMart), and he said "Well, in that case, they should just move!" Yep, seriously... People actually believe that shit!

Racism? WHERE?

2010-05-04T12:45:00.007-04:00

When is calling people a spic, and referring to all minorities in a city as those that "live off the govment" not racist? Well, when your name is Jessica Lipka!

The entire conversation can be read here. However, I'll give you the general idea of it:

Jessica: Baltimore is a black hole for anyone who isn't a minority. be like everyone else n live off the govment!

Alexandra: Wow, so much anger. I'm hispanic and I don't "live off the govment", thanks.

Jessica: But every other Spic in my neighborhood does. So once again, ur not in the conversation. Don't get ur panties in a bunch.

A lot more drama happened after that, but that's not important. What IS important is that she later e-mailed me, saying:

~~My completely racist statements were not at all racist!~~

First of all I didn't say anything racist. I used the word minority and referred to the people in my neighborhood that do exactly as I said. Secondly I did not call ur gf a spic. I again referred to the people in my neighborhod who,again, are just that.

Except, that's not what happened here at all, is it? From the direct quote, you can see that she first refers to all minorities in the city, and not just the ones in her neighborhood. So, on her first point, she's clearly mistaken. As for her second? Well, she didn't specifically say, "Alexandra, you're a spic." However, in response to her, she said, "But every other Spic in my neighborhood does". I don't know about you, or what your understanding of the English language is, but basically - in any language other than complete moron - that means "Alexandra, you don't, but other Spics do."

But hey, she's not racist! Nope... And she didn't actually do the things she obviously did!

As a parting note, she told me to let her know if I ever wanted to meet her. But, at the same time, she blocked me from her Facebook... Sense: It makes none.

Special 100th Post Edition

2010-05-03T14:51:00.005-04:00

Welcome to my 100th post! There have been 99 entries prior to this one, and it seems like my job is just getting easier and easier.

Tragedy has struck my life, readers. This morning, I took my kid to the local gun shop. While there, I didn't pay any attention to him at all, and he managed to pick up a gun and load it. After watching countless hours of violent television and playing video games, there was only one thing he could do, which was to use the weapon. He managed to kill himself in the process. I'm currently in the process of filing suit against the owner of the store, because he must be held responsible.

Okay, well, as it turns out, none of that happened, and I don't even have a kid. But, do you know what? It's really not much different from something that did happen. Exchange gun for "white russian", "kill himself" with "drank the alcohol", and then "file suit" with "call 911", and you have an exact situation that happened in South Boston recently:

South Boston toddler Jadm Moschella apparently thought he’d hit the motherload Saturday night when, while out to dinner with his parents and stepsister, he reached for a glass and began drinking - a white Russian intended for his dad!

“It’s white and he thought it was milk. He took one sip and started gagging,” said 2-year-old Jadm’s outraged mother, Jessica Smith, 22, who immediately called police from her table at the Rainbow Dragon restaurant on West Broadway.^[1]

Notice that she called THE POLICE and not AN AMBULANCE. If she were really worried about her kid, she'd've called for an ambulance, one would think. Instead of calling for an ambulance, she called the police, for some reason. I would guess it was so that she could attempt to place the blame on the establishment instead of her own complete lack of parenting skills!

Liang Hu, a manager at Rainbow Dragon, said the family’s waiter placed all the beverages in the center of the table and later apologized for the mixup.

“The kids’ parents ordered the drinks. Our waiter made the drinks. The waiter put the drinks on the table. The parents didn’t watch the kids,” Hu charged.

Smith acknowledged the waiter’s mea culpa, but said, “My son just drank alcohol. Sorry’s not going to cover it. I said to him, ‘Did you card my 2-year-old tonight?’ ”

Yes, your kid DID just drink alcohol. And, if that's such a big fucking deal to you, you stupid bitch, you should probably call for an ambulance, or poison control. And no, they didn't card your 2-year-old that night. And do you know why? It's because they didn't serve alcohol to your 2-year-old - they served it to his father who should be responsible enough to be IN CONTROL OF THE BEVERAGE he ordered AND his child.

This is just yet another example of bad, entitled parents, ruining it for the sane ones and raising another generation of dumb kids. In closing: Jessica Smith, go fuck yourself.^[2]

1. Source
2. Literally. Please. ONLY fuck yourself in the future... You really should not breed again.

I might have to secede soon.

2010-05-03T02:21:00.004-04:00

Seriously, I might have to secede from this maddening "union" if things don't keep up. My map has shrunk yet again, so I'm afraid in a few weeks, there will be nothing left of it.

This time, Lousiana^[1] has fallen off of the map - which is convenient, since it borders a former loss, Texas.^[2]

I'm not going to into great detail about Lousiana's loss, though. Instead, I'm going to talk about the entirely disgusting, newly-formed country of Arizona. You see, while they may no longer be part of the US (in my book, which is the only one that counts), they're still doing the same things they were doing before: passing stupid laws.

Now, you might be thinking, "What does Lousiana have to do with this?"

Well, apparently, Lousiana beat them to it, by passing a similar law already. Somehow, I missed this... Which upsets me greatly.

Upon passing their immigration law last week, Arizona officially fixed all of the problems in the state. No longer is there poverty, racism, classism, sexism, homophobia, domestic abuse, police abuse, crime, or anything else of that nature. The legislature of the newly-formed country of Arizona officially has nothing left to do. At least, I imagine they must have nothing else to do, since they passed a law against scientists making human-animal hybrids!

Now, I know that sounds ABSOLUTELY FUCKING bizarre AND upsurd. But, I assure you, I'm not even making this shit up. This honest-to-whatever-god-or-gods-you-may-or-may-not-believe-in happened.

The Arizona state Senate on Thursday passed a bill making it illegal for a person to “intentionally or knowingly creating a human-animal hybrid.”^[3]

The article on Politico then goes on to say:

Louisiana passed a similar law in 2009...

So, guess what? Fuck you, too, Lousiana.

And do you know what? For the life of me, I can't imagine why they'd do it! Maybe it's just that, when you're on a roll of making stupid laws, you just can't stop! Why stop a good thing, anyway?^[4]

Of course, that only excuses Arizona, anyway. Maybe Lousiana just hasn't had any good drama since Katrina. They must be missing out on the attention they got back then.

As a parting note, I hear they are applying this law retroactively and have put out an arrest warrant for Al Gore over Manbearpig.

1. You might've noticed, if you keep up with this blog at all, that Nevada also disappeared. Well, if you're an avid watcher of The Daily Show, you'll know about the Chickenhealthcare scheme from Senator Sue Lowden of Nevada. That right there was just too much for me... People actually voted for that woman. And, if you don't know what I'm talking about, here is a link.
2. Not that Texas was really a loss.
3. Source
4. Good for all of us that get to laugh about it.

When is albuterol not albuterol?

2010-04-29T19:42:00.006-04:00

The title asks an important question: When is albuterol not albuterol? The answer to that questions is quite simple: When Walmart is involved.

I went to the doctor's office today, just for a yearly check-up kinda thing and to get my inhaler refilled. My doctor asked me how much it ran these days for someone without insurance (about $40). I told her how much it was, and she was appalled. She then recommended that I go to Walmart or Target, and informed me that the generic albuterol inhaler is less than $10 there.

"Wow, I'm in luck", I thought to myself! $10 is way better than $40, you know?

I left the office, information in hand, and drove to the nearest Walmart. I took my prescription in to the store, and stood in the "Drop Off" line. There was only one person in front of me, but he asked a lot of questions, so I had to stand there for awhile, which kinda sucked, but I was okay with it if I could save $30.

Eventually, another employee realized a line was forming behind me, so she opened up the other "Drop Off" window...and that's where the problem began.

I walked up to her, handed her my paper and said, "Could I get the generic? I'd love to pay less than $10."

She looked at my prescription and said, "I'm sorry, but you can't get the generic."

I was confused, but then remembered something about my prescription, which I pointed out to her, "Right there, my doctor signed the little line that says I can get generic if it's available."

She rolled her eyes, as if I were some sort-of idiot, and then told, "Yes, but what you're talking about is albuterol. That's the generic form of albuterol. You can't get it if your prescription isn't for albuterol!"

"But my prescription is for albuterol," I quipped.

She was getting impatient with me now (and I with her, because this made no sense), and in a huff, she said, "It has to say albuterol in order to get the generic albuterol. Sorry. Maybe you could get your doctor to give you a prescription for albuterol."

So, what did I do? I took my piece of paper and left that Walmart, infuriated by their idiocy. I was thoroughly confused by now, as I was pretty sure my ProAir HFA inhaler said "albuterol" right on it. So, I did the logical thing, and took it out of my pocket. As it turns out, it says "albuterol" on it, just like I thought it would. Knowing that, even with this sorta logical evidence in hand, I could do nothing to deter the Walmart employee from her path of idiocy and complete lack of sensible decision-making, I decided that going back to the doctor's office would get me what I wanted.

I DROVE BACK TO THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE. I walked in, and I informed the receptionist that I needed to speak to the doctor again, and she said that she'd be with me again.

I waited for a few minutes, and my doctor came out to ask me what was up. I informed her of the problem, and she asked the receptionist to call the Walmart and explain to them that she wanted me to get the generic albuterol instead of ProAir HFA, and if the person she talked to didn't understand it, to talk to the actual pharmacist.

The receptionist called, and I really had hoped that she would've had a better time of it than I did. But, unfortunately, my hopes and dreams were squashed, as the pharmacy tech told the receptionist the same thing that she had told me. The receptionist then did as my doctor asked, and asked to speak with the pharmacist. So, this guy gets on the phone and basically said the same fucking bullshit the tech just said. The receptionist cried out to him, "But ProAir IS albuterol!"

The pharmacist, speaking so loudly that I could hear him through the phone in the waiting area said, "Well, we don't give out generic albuterol unless it says albuterol on the prescription."

The receptionist, seeing that this was going nowhere, digressed, and said, "Well, fine, then can I call in a prescription for albuterol now?"

The pharmacist, apparently annoyed by being contradicted by fact, yelled "NOT NOW" and hung up on her.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK is that?

From Wikipedia's page on "Salbutamol":

Salbutamol (INN) or albuterol (USAN) is a short-acting β2-adrenergic receptor agonist used for the relief of bronchospasm in conditions such as asthma and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. It is marketed by GlaxoSmithKline as Ventolin, Aerolin or Ventorlin depending on the market; by Cipla as Asthalin; by Schering-Plough as Proventil and by Teva as ProAir.^[1]

So, basically, according to Walmart-logic, albuterol wasn't a good substitution for...albuterol. Right.

You know, I often feel sorry for people who have to work at Walmart, because it's a shitty job, and for some people, it's the only job they can get, or the best job they can get (which must really suck). But do you know what? Fuck those two people. They're clearly idiots who don't know what they're talking about, and one of them - the pharmacist - has a college degree! Why are they so fucking stupid? Where has the common sense gone? How can you give out a medication so constantly and not know that it is albuterol? Clearly other people have come in and had the same problem, since the girl knew exactly what I was talking about... WHY haven't they done something about this and become less ignorant on the subject?

Fuck you, Walmart...I'm going to Target.

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salbutamol

Oklahoma, we're fuckin' through... Professionally!

2010-04-26T20:30:00.004-04:00

My ideal map of the United States keeps getting smaller and smaller. I don't want it to, but it has to. If I keep considering so many stupid states as part of my country, when people say things like "America is full of stupid people," I might have to agree. BUT, if I pretend certain states aren't part of the country anymore, then I'm free to think "We're not that bad." Sure, it's a little bit of a denial on my part, but at this point, can you really blame me? Can anyone blame anyone for feeling this way?

You see, I got to remove Arizona the other day, adding it to Texas and Florida. Well, now the mid-south west is looking even more barren. Without Texas to fill the gap between it and Mexico, Oklahoma fell right off the map!

Though, to blame Texas would be erroneous, and it would be removing the blame from the people and the legislature of Oklahoma.^[1]

The Oklahoma state legislature passed several bills pertaining to abortion last week. All of them were against abortions, in general... And all of them are complete works of failure.

Before we get into the particular bills, I'll point out the fact that governor vetoed one of them specifically because he said it seemed like it'd be unconstitutional (based on previous court rulings on a similar bill). While that seems perfectly reasonable, what doesn't is the fact that the idiot legislature has said they're going to overturn the veto, even though it makes complete sense that it will simply be overturned by court rulings... Just like the last one.^[2]

The above-mentioned bill is one which requires a woman who is seeking an abortion to go through an invasive ultrasound. Basically, they're forcing women who wants abortions to get a probe stuck up their vagina, then showing them a picture of the fetus. You know, to try to convince them that it's a baaaaaabyyyy and stuff. They didn't include any exclusions at all, meaning that victims of rape, who have already felt like their body was violated, get to be violated by doctors because of a state law.

COOOOOL! Gosh, Oklahoma... You're so special and stuff! I am in awe of your legal statutes AND your moral fortitude! When I grow up, Oklahoma, I want to be JUST LIKE YOU.

Or nothing like you. Yeah... That one.

As for the second bill? Well, its supporters say it's to keep people from aborting over handicaps (why that's an issue, I dunno^[3]). What it actually does is prevents people from suing doctors for not disclosing information about the fetus. Basically, if a doctor screws up and doesn't fully disclose what he or she knows about your fetus, you can't sue them. In essence, they can commit medical malpractice, and simply not give a fuck because there are absolutely no repercussions.

Nice job, Oklahoma. Nice job! My message to you? You've really fucked up this time, Oklahoma... You've really fucked up.

But, before we go, let me throw it out there. I'm not alone in my feelings. As it turns out, Kanye West has a message for you, too!

Kanye believes that you have passed some of the dumbest laws of all time, Oklahoma. In a written statement he said, "Yo, Arizona. I'm really happy for you and your stupid laws, and I'm going to let you finish passing more stupid laws, but Oklahomoa just passed some of the dumbest laws of all time. OF ALL TIME!"

1. I'm not sure about the people, to be honest. The governor seems completely reasonable, and he was elected by the same people that elected the legislators.
2. Though, if you think about it in the context of moral fascism and fundamentalism, it makes perfect sense. Whether or not it'll fail means nothing, as they'll be "saving the poor little babies" in the meantime. Which is an even more fucked up way to make laws...
3. Oh, yeah, I do... Anything to keep the number of abortions down, duh!

Oh, Arizona... Why? WHYYY?

2010-04-24T00:00:00.009-04:00

This week, Arizona joined my shortlist of states that we could do without. Yep, that's right, Arizona has been put up on the same pedestal as Florida and Texas. Congratulations, Arizona, you've really earned it.

First up is their immigration bill. You'd have to be hiding under a rock to not have heard about it, but if you haven't, I'll give you a quick lesson.

Arizona's new anti-illegal-immigration ~~bill~~ law^[1] requires legal immigrants to carry papers on them at all times. That's fine, probably even reasonable - but also not the issue. The issue is much larger than that: the law gives police the authority to simply ask to see someone's ID if the officer suspects someone of being an illegal immigrant. Of course, Arizona says a panel will make guidelines for this, and so we won't have to worry racial profiling. But of course, that assumes police can follow reasonable guidelines for anything... And police often have shown that they cannot.

Now, one might think this isn't a problem. However, a simple driver's license will not necessarily suffice in the eyes of Arizona, since AZ itself has often given licenses to illegal immigrants. So, basically, if you have any heritage of the hispanic/latino kind, you'd better carry your birth certificate on you at all times in Arizona.^[2] Failure to be able to prove it on the spot can lead to arrest and a $500 fine.

The other "lulz" this week from Arizona is a gem of a bill which will require Obama to show his birth certificate to appear on the 2012 ballot in Arizona.^[3] Nevermind the fact that he's already shown it to the people that matter most - the US Justice Department - or given a copy to the media - or had folks in Hawaii said the copy he gave matches the original - no, nevermind any of that at all! All of the stuff in my list doesn't count because Arizona is a special snowflake of a state, and they expect more from their Presidential candidates (the ones with funny names and dark skin, anyway).^[4]

Arizona, I leave you with these immortal words from Jon Stewart (to Fox News): Go fuck yourselves.

1. It became a law today, actually.
2. Providing your name isn't Obama, anyway... Then that won't even do.
3. Source
4. I wonder if they'll require McCain to show his when running for Senate? Can you even read his anymore, or is it like some ancient manuscript, indecipherable except to the eye of a seasoned archaeologist?

Fun with the Tea Party, Part Due!

2010-04-23T11:55:00.006-04:00

The poor lady above seems to be sick. Unfortunately for her, it's a pre-existing condition, and I'm not sure it's covered by most insurance plans. Luckily, with Obamacare, her insurance company will eventually be required to cover stupidity.

I guess they don't realize what a red star typically means? Oh well...

I'm guessing they're trying to be tongue-in-cheek, but I'm taking it pretty literally. So, at least they admit to it. Now only if we can get the rest of them to admit to it!

Yes, they are trying my patience... Very much so. You can not believe how much.

All pictures taken from Baltimore Sun.

Patrick Swayze was MY favorite actor, too!

2010-04-23T01:20:00.005-04:00

No, really, he was. I absolutely loved Red Dawn! Who didn't? And who could forget the epic fight scenes of Roadhouse? Or the love story of Dirty Dancing!? This man had it all. He was fantastic!

Actually, in all honesty, I didn't really care for him that much (or any of those movies). In fact, I cared for him so little that I'd never even say I cared for him just for the sake of insulting someone else.^[1]

On the other hand, some people would. Take, for example, this thing that's been going around on Facebook:

Dear Lord, this year you took my favorite actor, Patrick Swayzie (sic). You took my favorite actress, Farah (sic) Fawcett. You took my favorite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know, my favorite president is Barack Obama. Amen.^[2]

So, I get it, some people don't like Obama. About half the country doesn't like Obama. That's fine. They probably shouldn't wish for his death, but whatever. What really is remarkable here is the telltale signs of the kind of person that doesn't like Obama. Apparently, these people like bad music, pedophiles, and awful movies... Oh, and they can't spell.

Well, okay, maybe that doesn't really encompass all of them, but it's certainly hilarious that people are actually posting the above on Facebook! I mean, if you don't like Obama and you really want him to die, is it really worth having to - even falsely - admit that Michael Jackson was your favorite musician? I hated George W. Bush, but I would've never've said, "This year, God, you took Pope John Paul II from me. He was my favorite Pope. By the way, my favorite President is George W. Bush."^[3] I also wouldn't say, if they were to die tomorrow, "God, you took my favorite band from me, ICP. By the way, my favorite fat loser nerd in the entire world is my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend". No matter how much I wish for bad things to happen to that guy, I really just can't ever admit, even jokingly, to liking ICP. I would rather put a bullet up my nose and into my brain.

In short, they should be embarrassed about their bad taste. And, if they're just saying to try to be funny, then they should be embarrassed about their poor sense of humor. And, in any case, they should be embarrassed for not fixing the spelling errors.

1. Present blog entry is an exception. :P
2. Source
3. Actually, I don't like the Catholic Church, but JP² wasn't so bad. I was just making a reference to the pedophile scandals, as a strange analogous joke to the Michael Jackson thing.

This blog has been confiscated by the government.

2010-04-19T23:13:00.004-04:00

This blog is now the property of the Baltimore City government. Its former author is under investigation for suspicion of being a criminal mastermind.

All right, so none of that is actually true. But, according to the City Council President, Jack Young, I'm some sorta hardcore criminal. My crime, in fact, is worthy of a $250 dollar fine, and I do it on a daily basis.

What is my crime? Spitting. Yes, I sometimes spit on the ground. It's already against the law, but rarely enforced, possibly because a $25 fine is not worth the effort. However, Jack Young, the Baltimore City council President, wishes to increase that fine to $250 to teach people like me a lesson.

Spitting is a horrible criminal act, apparently. You know, never mind the fact that spitting, as a crime, dates back to the 19th century and was only outlawed to prevent the spread of Tuberculosis, or anything of that sort. For some reason, spitting is right up there with drinking in public and public urination (two other things he wishes to raise the fines on).

In 2010, you would think they'd make an effort to get ridiculously outdated, pointless laws removed from the books. But, no, not at all. Instead of removing the law, and because the city desperately needs money, they're going to increase the fine on spitting in public to ten times what it currently is.

Jack Young: Your heart might be in the right place, but your ideas aren't.

1. Source